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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

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This morning my daughter asked if she could watch titty videos.

Did you know that sometimes little kids make a t sound when they mean to make a k sound?

Anyway I gotta go I'm in a bunch of trouble.

An American tourist in Moscow

Found himself needing to take a
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself, so he just went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even
get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are ...

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.

Kid: It's reall...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The...

Three old ladies lived together.

1st old lady was in the bathroom on the second floor and she yelled to the other two, “I need help, I can’t remember if I was about to take a shower or if I already took it”. The second old lady was down stairs and she started going up the stairs to go help, but as she reached the second floor she s...

Resilient Jim

A man walks into a bar. All the guys around him recognize him as Resilient Jim, the toughest guy in town.

Resilient Jim sits down at the bar and orders a Scotch, on the rocks.

A man walks up and sits next to him. "Jim, is it true you once crashed in the Arizona Desert and walked home,...

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During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I got...

A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them f...

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A Priest is hearing confessions

and as time goes on, he really has to take a dump. As he finishes up with an older woman, he sticks his head out of the booth and motions for the church janitor to come over.

"I really have to use the bathroom, my son, so could you finish up these last few confessions for me?" he asks.
...

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Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop. He says to himself, "Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!"

So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty. Relieved...

Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"

Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"

"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"<...

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A woman goes to the doctor...

The doctor tells her to get undressed and lie on the table. She gets up there and put her feet in the stirrups.
The doctor starts playing with her titties and the doctor asked, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
She says, "Yeah, you're checking me for breast cancer."
He says, "Yep!" and continue...

Went to the doctors the other day..

Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.

Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.

When he comes back, he as...

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Gary and Frank have been drinking...

Gary and Frank have been drinking most of the day and all evening in the local bar. Gary slides gingerly off his barstool and announces, “I gotta go to the bathroom.” Frank slowly turns and looks at Gary and says, “Go for me too while you’re in there.” Gary slowly nods and carefully picks his way ba...

So a Lizard and a Koala sit in a tree an smoke a joint...

They are smoking, talking, simply having a good time. After about an hour, the lizard says: "Man, I'm so thirsty... I gotta go down to the river and drink some water." So he climbs down the tree and goes to the river. There an aligator is chilling in the water and shouts: "Hey Lizard, whats going on...

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Hitler dies and ascends to be judged at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter steps out, the Book of Life under his arm, and sees Hitler standing there.

"Hitler? What, are you kidding me?" exclaims Peter.

"I know, I know" says Hitler, putting his hands up to calm the saint "but what you may not know is that in life I recognized the error of my ways and...

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