UPJOKE

I Don't Understand Jokes

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day.

It's irrational.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices

and blame the cost of living

I don't understand...

I don't understand people who use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.

I guess you have to draw the line somewhere,

or people will think you're irrational.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her...

I don't understand the biology of hair growth

It just goes over my head

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

I don't understand sigma males

It just doesn't add up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

My wife and I got into an argument because she said I don't understand the concept of irony.

Ironically, we were at a bus depot at the time.

I don't understand women

I thought opening a door for a lady was the polite thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

"I don't understand how you always stay so calm when we're having an argument,"...

....a man told his wife. "How do you do it?"

"I stay calm because I know that, even if you get the last word, as you often do" she replied with a shrug, "I'll get to clean our toilet."



"How in the world does that help?" he asked.



"I always use your toothbrush," ...

I don't understand all the hate for Ajit Pai. He's just doing his job.

If he didn't, Verizon would probably fire him.

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

I don't understand French women.

Or French men, I don't understand French.

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I don't understand women...

One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her bloody bags.

She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before sex. I just shrugged and said "Habit".

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

I don't understand why people are still using shampoo...

When they could be using **real** poo

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

I don't understand the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people, I can just have dinner with my parents.

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

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I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Something I don't understand.

I **never** get why some people randomly emphasis a few odd words in a paragraph. Are you **gonna** just read the emphasised words? When you write like this, does it **give you** a sense of satisfaction? What's **up** with that?

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

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I don't understand poop fetishes.

I don't get why people are into that shit.

I don't understand Fly fishing

Why are you fishing for flies? What do you even bait them with? A starving Ethiopian?

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport

They're all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire

I don't understand lactose intolerance ppl

Why can't they just tolerate it? It's not that hard.

I don't understand why ...

I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall.

They should just get over it.

I don't understand Holocaust deniers.

I think those people are in the wrong camp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand girls My girlfriend used to say she can't have sex before marriage

Now she is married and says she can't have sex because she is married

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

I don't understand unemployed people

They make no cents.

I don't understand why Youtube demonetized my videos.

It just makes no cents.

I don't understand how men are so transphobic...

Every single one of them was trapped in a women's body for almost a year.

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My wife tells me to stop using big words I don't understand

I think she's just over-ejaculating.

I don't understand kids

Mine has been bothering me for two weeks so I take him to watch that movie where toys talk, but then the little brat spent the two full hours crying when I finally took him to see Anabelle Comes Home.

I don't understand why christian people hate people with piercings.

Jesus had 4 of them.

I don't understand how DDR RAM works at all

How do they get their hooves to work the arrow keys?

I don't understand why books are rare in Fahrenheit 451...

I would expect them to be well done

I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more

Seems like people are really sleeping on them

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween

People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now

I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

I don't understand...

...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.

"I don't understand." The man said...

"They played 'Do the Hustle'. I did the Hustle...

They played 'Paint It Black'. I did that too...

They played 'Come On Eileen'. Now I'm here with you."

"I see," said the lawyer.

I don't understand why people starve when stranded in deserts...

There is the sand which is everywhere.

I don't understand why people say that 2020 is a terrible year

It's the best year of the decade so far

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

I don't understand people who don't recycle...

Why would you buy a bike and only ride it once?

I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-Did you try without your mustache?

-No.

-Maybe you should Jennifer... maybe you should.

I don't understand Auto tune

Neither does my mechanic

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you"

Like they never heard of money.

I don't understand how Dr. Doofenshmirtz still hasn't killed anyone yet.

I mean, he uses the term inator a lot.

I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

I don't understand biathlon...

I mean, how is it possible to have a rifle and yet finish at second place?

I don't understand why my girlfriend complains about how long I last in bed.

Twenty seconds of washing my hands felt like an eternity.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

I don't understand why 9/11 is such a difficult topic.

It's 0.8181, don't people have calculators?

I don't understand why people buy cheap boomerangs

They only throw them away.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.

Can't they hear the music?

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I don't understand peoples attraction to necrophiliacs

It's like people are dying to have sex with them

I don't understand Facebook.

If I wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs I'd become a rapper.

I don't understand aquatic mammals

What's their porpoise

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

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I don't understand why people say Jews are cheap.

Every single one has left a tip.

I don't understand the purpose of smooth objects.

I mean, there's no point.

I don't understand how Elvis got so fat

He ate nothing but a hound dog

I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist

They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.

I don't understand why some people think obesity is a disease,

The only thing obese people and a disease have in common is that they are both easy to catch.

I don't understand when someone donates a kidney they get praised a hero,

But when I donate 5, I get arrested?

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

I don't understand why we study circles in geometry.

They're pointless.

I don't understand odourless air fresheners.

They don't make any scents.

I don't understand my wife, first she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden!

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

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People keep telling me to take an Anger Management class, but I don't understand why...

I already know how to piss off management, why would I need to take a class for it?

I don't understand what is so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage four

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Sometimes I'll ask my blind friend "Can you tell me what this says? It's in braille and I don't understand it" and then hand him a Lego.

Apparently all Legos say "Fuck you, dude!"

I don't understand why certain people don't get communist jokes

All it takes is a little common sense.

I don't understand why everyone is so concerned about the Novel "Coronavirus"...

Personally, I'm waiting for Coronavirus the movie to come out before I make up my mind.

I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking

I have done it twenty times a day for years now.

I don't understand what the church has against trigonometry.

And they only forgive sin but not cos or tan.

I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's just another part of the food.

I think it tastes amazing just like the rest of the watermelon.

The rest of my class complained when we were told we're getting the Classical Civilisation class, but I don't understand why.

It's such an interesting topic. I've always wanted to learn about my parents' childhood.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

I don't understand the appeal of Rorshac tests.

They all look like my parents fighting

I don't understand why everyone is upset about the Russian vaccine nothaving a thirdclinical trial.

I was under the impression that giving it to millions of Russian citizens is the trial.

I don't understand why Medusa has such a bad rep.

Nobody that's met her has ever said anything bad about her.

I don't understand chinese philosophy.

It Confucius me.

I don't understand why I was kicked out of my local furniture store...

I just asked for one night stand.

I don't understand what the big deal with slavery was.

From the sounds of it, a lot of them were educated since so many of them had their Masters.

I don't understand why they say ignorance is bliss

Trump supporters always seem so unhappy and angry

I don't understand people wearing leather or fur...

Don't they realize that animals are suffering because of their sense of fashion? They should put themselves into the animals' skin and try to understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand the appeal of strip clubs...

All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have sex with you. If I wanted that I would be married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why guys get really excited over threesomes. I much rather stay home and masturbate

I reckon a bird in hand is worth two in bush

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

Women are always complaining that I make too many 'dick' jokes but I don't understand why.

I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.

I don't understand all the excitement over Usain Bolt

I finish in under ten seconds all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why so many people like anal sex.

Personally, it left a bad taste in my mouth.

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