UPJOKE

I Can't Believe Jokes

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

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I can't believe they're still together after all that shit!

Looks like my ass cheeks are really inseparable.

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

I can't believe I came in last at the Karate competition.

I'm still kicking myself.

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

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I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

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I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

I can't believe my sister's new boyfriend is black..

I mean.. She said she met him at work..

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

I can't believe I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning..

And they've already made me president.

I can't believe some people pick their nose!

I was born with mine..

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

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I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

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I can't believe how many perverts

I can't believe how many perverts there are in the park nowadays, I only just strolled through, and literally everyone kept staring at my penis.

I can't believe Christmas is only 364 days away...

...feels like it was just yesterday.

*HA! you thought it was a repost didn't you. Well you're wrong. It's just my stupid alternate version of the joke. I probably found telling the joke more funny than you thought this joke was funny.* :)

I can't believe people don't eat the crust

I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon

I can't believe my unscented deodorant really smells like nothing.

That's nonsense!

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caug...

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I can't believe there's now jewelry you can cover your cat's anus with?

It's a catastrophe.

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I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a...

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

I can't believe there's a band named after diode flow...

One Direction

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession!

I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

I can't believe Fred and Daphne are breaking up

Yeah, I hear they're splitting up to search for clues

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

I can't believe someone stole my dictionary

I'm lost for words

I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house.

All because her husband came back from the army.

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

Technically it's called organ harvesting, but that's just semantics

I can't believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

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I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

I can't believe there's so many conspiracy theories in the world. This is really not the time to be making up so many.

Not now while Trump is still sitting president.

Wow!! it is almost Xmas. I can't believe where the year has gone....

It seemed to have Zoomed by.

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I can't believe I just lost in Scrabble..

There's no F in WAY

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I can't believe I forgot the joke about Midas and Oedipus

It was mother fucking gold

I can't believe someone broke into our garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go.

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I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

I can't believe someone would call me a backstabbing scoundrel.

I am not a backstabber.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

I can't believe that my joke about The Who and The Kinks wasn't approved.

I've obviously upset the mods.

I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

I can't believe you still didn't hear about anti-vaxxer's newborn...

It got viral

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

I can't believe I wanted to be an obstetrician...

I can't even deliver a joke.

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle...

I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old!

...plus a couple billion years...

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I can't believe the term "Overwatch" was searched more than "anal" last year on PornHub...

What is this world cumming to?

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I can't believe we have a sex offender registry.

I mean, who's buying gifts for these people?

I can't believe I fell for your mom

She's the oldest trick in the book.

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I can't believe no one liked my Elvis impersonation

Personally, I think that having a drug overdose on the crapper was spot on.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

I can't believe that...

after all the times my girlfriend called me "daddy", she still didn't get me anything for Father's Day.

I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility.

After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.

I can't believe it.

Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did ...

I can't believe they got some broad

church cast member to play The Doctor!

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

I can't believe its pancake day again already..

It's really créped up on me!

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I can't believe the crazy shit people do in church

I was attending a church service today when the person next lit up a cigarette, I couldn't believe it, I almost dropped my beer

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

I can't believe rattlesnake warnings are called rattles

and not cautionary tails

I can't believe I just found out R.E.M. split up.

I suppose the rest of the band just weren't Michael's type.

I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

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I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers

Sick bastards

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

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Countries I can't believe Japan have not attacked:

Wales

A twelve year old came up to me and asked for a cigarette. I can't believe it!

So nice to see young people using manners

Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in

the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."

I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

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I can't believe all these people complaining about going months without sex. I haven't had sex in almost 6 years!

On a happier note, happy 5th birthday to my little brother!

I can't believe my grandpa is going to vote for the first time ever

... he never would have done that when he was alive.

I can't believe my son is dating a butler.

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Jeeves.

I finally finished working on my cloning machine and I can't believe it worked.

I mean, I was really beside myself.

I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues...

at least that's what her diary said.

I can't believe how many of Nickelback songs have never become famous

It's completely off the charts.

I can't believe that Fisherman told me there were no rivers in Africa

He was clearly in denial

I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

I can't believe I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach....

...boy was my face red.

I can't believe that people voted a random celebrity into office...

...I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor? Really?

I can't believe what this country has come to. There was another shooting today

The guy used a starting pistol. Police are saying it was race related

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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