UPJOKE

I Believe Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

Why I believe the earth is flat

Cuz if it wasn't yo mama would roll off it.

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

I believe in love at first sight....

.....but science calls it an erection.

I believe it was Alexander Graham Bell who once said...

How did you get this number?

I believe the tornado chasers are the reincarnation of ancient sailors

They both hear the siren and know it’s dangerous, but they just keep going.

———

There was a tornado in my city and then I think of this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe it's a true story... who knows?

Someone told me this joke many years ago. They say it was an English couple in Algarve (Portugal) but I believe this can be a joke (Btw, English not my main language...)

A man and woman enter an hospital. The man has blood on his dick and the wife has a burn on her face and back.

The d...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

I believe deaf people have the most fans

After all they are always signing stuff.

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

From childhood, I believed air was free

But then I bought a pack of wafers...

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe self-deprecation jokes are funny.

But nobody gives a shit what I think

For years, I believed the Earth was flat

Then I turned 4

I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

My friend asked me if I believe in killer clowns

I replied, "No doubt about IT"

An old Joke by Lee Mack on... 8 out of 10 Cats plays Countdown, I believe?

I popped into an second-hand store the other day and bought a pencil. What's remarkable about the pencil, is that it used to be used by Shakespeare!



...Only thing is, the top part is all chewed up, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

I believe i can fly

i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a...

I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

“Doctor, I believe that love is infectious”

“Indeed, that’s why you have gonorrhea”

I’m gonna die for what I believe in...

But I’m an atheist and antivax, so I’m pretty much immortal

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