UPJOKE

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

I bought my wife a mood ring.

When she's happy it turns blue.

When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..

If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

I bought my wife a "Get Better Soon" card.

She's not sick, I just want her to get better.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........

It wasnā€™t her main present, just a stocking filler.

I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I donā€™t think she likes them.

She said thatā€™s gross.

I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

She mustā€™ve really loved it because her face lit up when she opened it.

I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them.

Wife: "We don't need Walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."

Me: "This marriage is what? Over."

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, ā€œI thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?ā€


ā€œShe did,ā€ I replied, ā€œBut where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!ā€

I bought my wife a brand new state of the art fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I bought my wife a wig from the discount store.

Wasn't going toupee full price.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife a very sexy slinky dress.

She looks great going down the stairs.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife a nutcracker for Christmas

I figure after all these years breaking my balls manually she deserves it

I bought my wife a alarm clock which abuses you instead of ringing bells.

She's in for a rude awakening.

I bought my wife a Ferrari for Xmas.She said that's no good to me,I want something that does 0-to-160 in less than 3 seconds.

So I bought her bathroom scales.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife some sexy lingerie because it reminded me something my mom used to have.

I call it her Freudian Slip.

I bought my wife a qwerty keyboard for Valentine's Day...

...She said she wanted a divorak.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I Bought My Wife A Ball Gag For Her Birthday

Wife: Wow! Youā€™re so kinky, I canā€™t believe you gave me a sex toy.


Me: Sex toy?

I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday.

I know it's not the best gift in the world, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I bought my wife a box of chocolates and a dildo for Valentineā€™s Day.

I told her if she didnā€™t like the chocolates, she could go fuck herself.

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet

which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.

Take it for a ride, honey...

Last year I bought my wife a new broom for Valentine's Day. She was so mad she wouldn't even take it for a ride!

Three men bragging about getting their wives cars

Three men were at a bar and they were bragging to each other about who got their wife the best car One man says ā€œI got her one that goes from 0 to 30 in about 10 secondsā€ The second guy says ā€œthatā€™s nothing I bought my wife one that goes from 0 to 40 in five secondsā€ the third guy said ā€œwell I bough...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

A doctor, a lawyer and a biker are in a bar

Doctor say" tommorow is my anniversary, I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes, so if she doesn't like the ring, I know she'll like the Mercedes. Then shell know I love her".


Lawyer says "yea for my last anniversary I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. S...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Christmas

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz, so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive to return it in the Benz and still be happy."

The poor man says, "I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck hers...

Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas

It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"

"What is it?" The others ask.

"A brand new Mercedes!"


"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of t...

Two friends were talking to each other in a bar...

"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed.



"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned.



"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting in a doctor's office waiting room

While they wait they start having a chat, and the rich guy brings up the presents that he bought his wife last month for Christmas. "I got her a brand new sparkling diamond ring and a new BMW" he says proudly. "Wow, two nice gifts" the poor guy responds. The rich guy explains "well, I bought her the...

Zoo

I bought my wife a 'zoo-keeper experience' for her birthday. She really enjoyed it up until the part where they scrubbed her down with a broom and a hose.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

In case she doesn't like her gift

3 High school friends are at a reunion.

Lawyer: For my wife's birthday this year I got her a pair of diamond earrings and two tickets to the Bahamas! If she doesn't like the earrings, she will definitely enjoy the holiday!

Surgeon: I bought my Wife a pearl necklace and a new convertibl...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Three men share the same date for their anniversaries.

The first guy tells his buddies " I bought my wife a bouquet of flowers and a ring. So if she doesn't like the flowers she has the ring!"

The second guy says " I bought my wife a car and a trip to Paris. If she doesn't like the car she will have the trip to Paris!"

The third guy tell t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.