UPJOKE

I Told My Wife Jokes

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

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I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her …

If it’s a beautiful sunny day I’m gonna play golf

If it’s windy I’ll play golf

If it’s rainy I’ll play golf

If we’re in a minor car accident, I’ll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…

She said she’s a hooker…

I said you’re probably ...

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The other night I was invited for a night out with the boys, and I told my wife I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed, and the Jameson shots went down a little too easy. Before I knew it, it was 3:45AM and I was plastered, so I quickly ordered a cab home.

Just as I walked in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo'd 4 times to signal 4AM. Quickly realizing my wife ...

I told my wife about a company offering personalized concrete busts, and asked her if she wanted to buy some.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves" she said

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

I told my wife, "You are so skinny."

Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

I told my wife a joke about blocking a river but she got annoyed.

I said “why are you so upset? it’s just a dam joke”

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

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I told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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I told my wife if we didn't have sex soon...

I'd take matters into my own hand.

I told my wife that our neighbour crashed his car

She said "Who, Ray?" and I said "I don't think you should cheer"

I was cooking a meal for our guests and I told my wife to go in and prepare the table.

So she walked in and told them all about my cooking.

I told my wife, “Let’s take a trip to upstate New York this weekend.”

Her: Ok. By Buffalo?

Me: No, I was thinking of taking a car.

I told my wife she was pretty and she just yawned.

I guess she was pretty tired.

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed;

she went out to get a second opinion.

I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday

She said nothing will please her more

So I bought her nothing instead

I told my wife I’m going to start calling her Peter the Apostle.

After she denied me three times.

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

I told my wife a joke when I got home.

And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.

I TOLD my wife:

“Your underwear is far too revealing”.

She replied: “Wear your own then!”

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"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

I told my wife after checking our bank accounts we can retire and live comfortably for the rest of our lives

As long as we die by Sunday

I told my wife that I wanted to get a new job making perfume

She replied "That makes scents."

I told my wife, “I don’t have a cheating bone in my body...”

...my cheating bone, is in someone else’s body!

I told my wife, “Did you know our next door neighbor was in a hospital and had half of his intestines removed?”

Her: Is he in a coma?

Me: No, a semi colon.

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

I told my wife we should try new things in bed, like a 68

"What's a 68?" she asked.

"You give me head and I owe you one."

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I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

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I told my wife that if the last thing I ever did was make love to her, I'd die a happy man.

Now every time we have sex she tries to strangle me.

I told my wife I was feeling down.

I said "Honey, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly pig. I really you to say something nice about me."

She said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

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I told my wife… that if we start having sex by the time they start the New Year’s Eve countdown

We’ll still have time to go see the fireworks

I told my wife...

I told my wife I had some good news and some bad news.


"What's the good news?" she asked.

"I'll be working from home for awhile."

"What's the bad news?"

"I'll be working from home for awhile."

I told my wife that I experimented a lot when I was in college.

I was a Chemistry major.

I told my wife the our phones were spying on us.

"Nonsense" she said. I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed.

I told my wife, "I love you. I wish you were happy all the time." To which she responded, "I wish you didn't make me mad all the time."

"That sounds like what I said, but more complicated..."

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I told my wife I have the C

Oh Fuck! You have Corona?

No it’s only Cancer.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

"Our neighbor died just now" I told my wife after I hanged up my phone

"Who, Ray?"

"Why are you cheering? You don't even know who I am talking about?"

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."

I told my wife I was cold

She said go sit in the corner, its 90 degrees.

I told my wife to make me a pizza.

Because goddamnit I don’t wanna be a human anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've become a utilitarian," I told my wife.

"What the fuck does that mean?" she asked.

Then I pushed forward the divorce papers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife i wanted a threesome for my birthday

She was really pissed off when she found out she was neither of the 2 girls!

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

Last night I told my wife that I could control minds.

She replied "Don't make me laugh"...

I told my wife the bedroom was too cold.

So she set the bed on fire.

I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

I told my wife I was thinking about getting a side-piece.

She slapped me before hearing me out.

She calmed down when I told her that a side piece of land was available and I was thinking about buying that.

And then I am planning to move my mistress to that place.

I told my wife I’m leaving her...

She said


May you die a slow and painful death!

Oh, you want me to stay!

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife sex is better on vaction

Yea..... she didn't really like that postcard.

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