UPJOKE

I'm Out Jokes

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

As a scarecrow, people say I'm out standing in my field...

But hay, it's in my jeans.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

Whenever I'm out drinking I flip a coin

If it lands on heads, I get another drink, if it lands on tails, I flip the coin again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I'm out in the woods taking a shit when...

...a bear strolls up, cocks his head with a funny expression, and says, "I never knew you guys did that."

I mimic the voices of my previous girlfriends whenever I'm out in public.

I'm a bit of an excentric

Whenever I'm out in public flashing my money, women approach me all the time!

I'd wish they would work on their pick up lines though, 90% of women start off by saying "Spare some change?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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