UPJOKE

I Just Found Out Jokes

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than me

I just spent $600 on a limousine rental, and I just found out that doesn't include a driver.

Spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted.

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

I just found out my older wife was cheating on me

Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

I just found out my best friend is a communist...

I should have known, all the red flags were there.

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm heartbroken! I just found out my wife is a typical racist.

See, I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife takes one look at her and says, "Get the fuck out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my best friend is gay…

his dick tastes like shit.

I just found out I'm a millionaire!

I converted my paycheck to rubles.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Well...I just found out you can’t run in campgrounds...

You have to RAN.....because it's.......past tents. BWAHAHAHAHA

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

I just found out I'm allergic to legumes

Doctor says it's a lentil illness

I just found out about Dry-erase boards

They are remarkable !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that cock fighting involves chickens

There's a year of my life I'll never get back!

I just found out what a vanishing point is.

It really puts everything in perspective.

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

I just found out the electrician I hired is unlicensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out testicular cancer runs in our family…

Which means even our balls grow a pair!

I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that Elon Musk has 10 kids.

The only thing he can pull out of is Twitter.

I just found out that my girlfriend is a mime.

I can’t believe that after all these years, she never told me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I'm a sex worker

If I don't do work around the house, I don't get any

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my wife is homophobic.

You should have seen how mean she was when I introduced her to my boyfriend…

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

I just found out how TV announcers enter brothels. And I'll share that secret...

But first.

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

I just found out I couldn't use "beef stew" as a password.

Apparently it's not stroganoff.

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

I just found out that Murrah building domestic terrorist accomplice Terry Nichols is still alive at 67 years old.

OK Boomer

I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

I just found out diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

I just found out that the Energizer Bunny got arrested!

He was charged with battery.

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

I just found out that I failed my Binary 101 exam.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

I just found out I'm going to be a Dad! I'm really excited.

I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed...

... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic.

And as far as I know, he still is !!

I just found out that Bruce Lee had a vegan brother

Broco Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my wife is dead...

The Sex was the same but the dishes have been stacked for days.

I just found out you can get paid for donating sperm!

All that money that's just slipped through my fingers.

Yo I just found out that

Ironman is a (Fe)male

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

I just found out about electricity...

It gave me a real shock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out what the F.C.C stands for

Fuck Consumers Continuously

I just found out that the name Niamh is pronounced Neve.

I couldn't beliamh it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my girlfriend is a Grammar Nazi.

She's going crazy because she missed her period.

I just found out I gave my girlfriend an STD

She’s pretty crabby.

I just found out about the second meaning of BBC....

Who cares about British television?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

I just found out that I was a crack baby.

All these years and I thought I was born C-section.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my teenage son had sex with his teacher, and I am furious.

I should have never agreed to home schooling.

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

I just found out where my school camp is going to be...

...and boy, is it intense!

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

“I just found out the world is flat” I told my girlfriend

Girlfriend: “Don’t be stupid”

Me: “You are my world”

I just found out Ireland still has a law against blasphemy.

Jesus Christ!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out May is National Masturbation Month...

I thought it was last month. And the month before that. And the month before that. And the month before that...

I just found out that down is up.

Saw on the news that the price of feathers is skyrocketing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my boyfriend is gay.

I had been suspecting it for a while, but it wasn't until he sucked my dick that I knew for sure.

I just found out my girlfriend faked her suicide.

Not a nice way to leave me hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that some animals actually have prehensile penises...

I still can't wrap my head around it.

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

so I just found out my superpower is being invisible

to any woman.

I just found out that i broke my knee

BRING ME KNEEINFORCMENTS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out my friend is a necrophiliac

Now he's fucking dead to me

I just found out my dog can jump higher than a house.

Turns out, houses can't actually jump.

I just found out why Rabbi’s are so rich.

Apparently they get to keep the tips.

I just found out my uncle, who has a stammer, died in prison

I'm so upset. He didn't even finish his sentence

I just found out about this underground science ring

It's called the Large Hadron Collider

I just found out my credit Cards got stolen.

But I'm not going to report them, because the thief is using them less than my wife.

I just found out the man who wrote the song The Hokey Pokey passed away

When they put him in his coffin, they put the left leg in, they took the left leg out...

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

I just found out JFK was jewish.

He was shot in the temple.

I just found out 7 people per 1 million born are named Bacon

Pork Kids

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

I just found out my wife is 1/4 Navajo

And 3/4's regular ho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out about a type of bread that’s used as a dildo in france

It’s a pain in the ass

I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

I just found out that two of my exes are related

I knew that head felt familia..

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

I just found out how to make easy money with a three step plan.

Step 1. Get a job.
Step 2. Go to your job and do work.
Step 3. Get money.

I just found out they have Canadian Jeopardy

It's almost the same, only your answers must be in the form of an apology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

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