UPJOKE

I Ran Out Of Jokes

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran out of condoms, so I tried a coat of latex paint.

Oh it worked, but I couldn't piss for two days!

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

I ran out of toothpaste recently

So I've resorted to brushing with soap. It's pretty gross, but on the plus side I've really cut back on my swearing.

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

I ran out of bread this morning, so I asked my Indian neighbor if he had any

But he said he had naan...

I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.

I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.

I had a contractor joke...

But I ran out of material.

Yo' Mama's so Fat...

I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas!

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

When people are scared of my dogs I tell them...

"They eat kibble not people"

And when they relax I add:

"But that's because I ran out of neighbors"

(I actually say that)

I don't think I'm going to keep playing wordle.

I ran out of guesses yesterday, and it called me a loser.

What I'm gathering from these comments is that wordle is Mean.

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

Police officer: Why were you driving so fast?

Me: I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out of gas.

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital

She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher, his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she repli...

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