UPJOKE

How Do You Jokes

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, girl ant.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?

Urgent and quick answers, plea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.

How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

How do you stop a Russian tank?

Shoot the soldiers pushing it.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

how do you get from sweden to russia?

you cross the finnish line

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

How do you find a velociraptor ?

You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them how they pronounce unionized.

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

How do you say "No TV" in Russia?

Nietflix

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you chop a neo nazi's dick off?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

How do you get a procrastinator off of Reddit?

There is no punchline I actually need help please I have a 10 page paper due at midnight someone help please

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

How do you spell Canada, eh?

C, eh?

N, eh?

D, eh?

How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?

President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you comfort a grammer nazi?

Pat them on the back and say ‘there, they’re, their.’

How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke?

With a sighsmograph

How do you scare a spineless greedy billion dollar company?

Start a third party app.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?

sapnu puas

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

How do you know if a trans man is ticklish?

You give him a couple test tickles.

How do you call a country without nobility?

A Baron wasteland.

How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Step on their foot.

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

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