UPJOKE

How Do You Make Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

How do you make a cigarette lighter?

Take some of the tobacco off.

How do you make a honeymoon salad?

>!Lettuce alone, without any dressing.!<

My great grandmother used to travel on boats between the Philippines, England, and America \~100 years ago. During the down time on ships, she learned to entertain people, and come up with jokes, this was a good one that's been passed down throu...

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a boogie in it!

How do you make a Venetian blind?

You poke him in the eyes.

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a catgirl orgasm?

Start by feline her up

How do you make an egg-roll?

You push it!

How do you make a kickass pizza?

You use Tae Kwon Dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

Joke my 8 year old made up: " How do you make two C's out of one C?"

You have to use a C-Saw!

How do you make a Caesar salad from a salad?

You stab it 23 times

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a hormone?

You fuck her.

How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

My friend works in IT, and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

How do you make a Doctor costume scary?...

Tell everyone you're American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make Bob Dylan cum really far?

Blow him in the wind

How do you make a racing snail faster?

I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

How do you make Turkish coffee?

You grind up 1.5 million Armenian coffee beans and lie about it for a century.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an elf horny?

Fairy moans.

How do you make a clown cry?

Break his funny bone.

How do you make Lady Gaga mad?

Poke her face.

How do you make Chicken Napoleon?

You use only the bony parts.

How do you make an amazing egg roll?

...you push it

How do you make a joke into a dad joke

Make the punchline apparent.

How do you make an Italian stop talking?

Handcuffs.

How do you make a Flamingo



Set fire to an O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

How do you make samurai run away?

Sho gun

how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

How do you make a hot dog stand?

You pull away his chair

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ears...

How do you make an Asian Blind?

you put a windshield in front of them

How do you make leaves fall off of trees?

You don’t - they do it autumn-atically

How do you make a tree taller?

Get a lumber jack.

How do you make a gummy bear?

Knock it's teeth out.

How do you make dandruff?

From Scratch.

How do you make a mialman upset?

You mix up his letters

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

How do you make a mormon stop drinking?

You invite another one.

How do you make a farmer's daughter like you?

A tractor!

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

How do you make French bread?

With Eiffel flour.

How do you make love to a redhead?

Gingerly.

How do you make love to an immensely fat woman?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

How do you make a friend?

By texting +1 706-631-1147 and saying hi... Haha... seriously I need friends...

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

How do you make an orphans hands bleed

Tell them to clap until their parents come home

How do you make easter easier?

You uncross the t and dot it instead.

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs.

How do you make a hipster come?

Give them a second-handjob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make jerk chicken?

Give him a red hat and an outdated election flag.

How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?

You hit the Belfast!

Happy St. Patrick's Day :)

How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

How do you make karma on Reddit?

It's a piece of cake.





I know this is an old joke but this only happens once per year, I had to.

How do you make 1 leave?

You put a "g" in front of 1.

*Thanks to my 9 year old, it gave me a good chukle. *

How do you make a condom for frogs?

Rib it.

How do you make a hormone?





Don't pay her......



I'll see myself out

how do you make a hill sick?

remove the letter H

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

How do you make a tree happy?

Put it through the wood chipper

How do you make a girl named Tess laugh?

With a Tess Tickle.

How do you make something out of nothing?

Ask my wife!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.