UPJOKE

Doctor Said Jokes

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

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The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome

At first I was afraid...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

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My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

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After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

We don’t accept your insurance.

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

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My doctor said I should jerk off when ever I want

Girlfriend: "No, he said you could have a stroke at anytime.."

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My doctor said

"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

My doctor said I only got a few months left.

So I gave him a shoot and the judge gave me another 20 years.

The doctor said to the patient:

\-You have two problems. First, you have AIDS.

\-What? AIDS? I'm going to die! That's horrible!

\-Second, you have Alzheimer's.

\-Well, at least I don't have AIDS.

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape, but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

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Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.

Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment.

The doctor said I'm going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

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Four doctors said

An Israeli doctor said, "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in six weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in four weeks he is loo...

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

My doctor said that I should go on antipsychotics,

But my imaginary friend told me not to.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks

I had to sell my car to pay the bill

the Doctor said: I have bad news, and worse news.

Patient: what is it, doc?
Doctor: The bad news is that you only have 24 hours left to live.
Patient: 24 hours?! But what could possibly be worse that that?!
Doctor: I have been trying to call you and tell you about this since yesterday.

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

My doctor said don't eat anything fatty...

I said "what do you mean? Fries, steak, dessert?"

He said "No fatty. Don't eat anything."

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

Doctor said i have ED

I just can't beat it.

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,

You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After exa...

I broke my leg in two places and my doctor said...

"I recommend you stay away from both those places in future."

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...

“You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much”

The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, “Do it. I’m strong enough”

The doctor then did it, and the man didn’t feel a thing, whi...

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

The doctor said, "To address the inflammation, try rubbing your joints."

I'd rather just use a lighter.

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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My doctor said that I have Constipation problems.

I just told him I don't give a shit.

Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking, I’ll go into a seizure and die

Oooh I’m shaking

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

The doctor said he needs to remove my colon

Me Why

A doctor said to his patient -

"I am very sorry to say that I have two bad pieces of news for you " .

"Oh, dear, what is it?" asked the patient.

"You've been given only 24 hours to live," came the reply.

"Oh, god, what other piece of bad news could there be?"

"I tried to get you on the phone all day ye...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

The doctor said I'm a hypochondriac

But I'd like a 15th opinion.

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

My doctor said that cigarettes are bad for kids

I guess next time I should just use an ashtray.

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

my doctor said i was suicidal

i asked him 'how long do i have to live?'

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

The doctor said my illness was terminal

I decided to get a second opinion. The next doctor also said my illness was terminal. Feeling disheartened, i decided to get a third opinion from a homeopathic doctor.

This doctor recommended I take daily mudbaths. Finally relieved, I asked "Thats great! That will cure me??" to which the doct...

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

My doctor said I should avoid trans fats

So I stopped going on tumblr

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

The doctor said I had the body of a man half my age...

...but the police pathologist said he was more like 2/3 once they'd defrosted him

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The doctor said to me, "You need to stop masturbating".

I said "Why" and she said "Well, to be honest, you're not meant to enjoy a rectal exam this much".

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.

Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

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My Doctor said I might die because I ate clay.

I am shitting bricks to be honest.

My doctor said I was pessimistic.

Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,


"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."


I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."

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My wife went into a coma recently and the doctor said it doesn't look like we have many options.

After a month in a coma, my wife's doctor comes to me and says that there's a way to awake her from this coma but it's rather unconventional.

I asked the Dr what needed to happen and he tells me that the only way to wake her is by oral sex.

After about 5 minutes I come out of room conf...

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

My doctor said I had a problem

He said I had amnesia or ummmmmmmm nvm I forgot

Doctor said I have acute pharyngitis.

I said, “sorry doc, I’m married.”

I'm a germaphobe and my doctor said to face my fear

So I did it, I booked my flight to Germany.

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

Patient: "Give me the good news first”

Doctor: “Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live."

Patient: "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

When the doctor said I had cancer I hated it.

But as time went on, it grew on me.

My doctor said I have multiple personality disorder

But we don't think so

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My doctor said I have hemorrhoids...

but I think he is wrong: everybody says I am a perfect asshole!

My doctor said there’s something very strange about my pulse

I asked him what, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

The doctor said my teenager had stopped growing

I said, is this some kind of stunt?

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

The doctor said that I can't play golf.

He must have seen me playing the other day.

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

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My doctor said that I'm so into anal...

...that I'm legally classified as a crack adict

I swallowed some food coloring. The Doctor said I would be ok,

But I dyed inside a little.

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My doctor said to cut down on the pizza.

Fucking idiot, that's how I always do it.

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