UPJOKE

Did You Hear About That Jokes

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop?

It's called Pantera Bread

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

Did you hear about that trans-species gazelle?

He’s really transformed himself. You could say he was born a gnu.

[OC] Did you hear about that new Anatomically Correct Elmo doll they're working on?

Before they sell it to the kids, they're gonna give it two test tickles.

Did you hear about that dating app for Lumberjacks?

Timber!

Did you hear about that fight at the laundromat?

I recon a washing machine beat the snot out of a handkerchief.

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France??

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about that guy from Footloose cannibalising that girl from Wendy’s?

Kevin Bacon ate ‘er.

Did you hear about that scientist that was researching bestiality?

If you need him, he'll be in his lab.

Did you hear about that lorry driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?

It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that business tycoon who made a fortune selling young poultry?

Dude was a total chick magnate.

Did you hear about that colony that got destroyed by the tornadoes?

It was very unsettling.

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

Did you hear about that guy who hated coal?

Never mined

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

Did you hear about that hotel built into an old missile silo?

I've been told they offer a complimentary intercontinental breakfast.

Did you hear about that kidnapping?

He woke up

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

Did you hear about that German barber?

You know, Herr Kutz.

Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood?

I heard it's very efishient

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

Did you hear about that fancy, new, lightweight mucus that scientists discovered?

It’s rather phlegm-buoyant!

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

Did you hear about that new terrorist movie?

It was a box office bomb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that guy who was sexually attracted to almonds?

He was fucking nuts.

Did you hear about that rap group that got arrested?

Apparently they've been charged with conspiracy to commit rhyme.

Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show?

He equals emcee scared.

Did you hear about that funny Covid-19 joke?

Really? It went viral.

Did you hear about that Islamic singer?

His songs were Shiite

Did you hear about that Dwarf psychic that just escaped from prison?

He’s a small medium at large.

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

Did you hear about that skin cream that Donald Trump uses?

Never mind. I don’t do topical humor.

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

Did you hear about that Formula 1 Driver that died in the hospital?

After seeing his family, he took a turn for the worst

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

Did you hear about that doctor who got fired?

He didn't have a lot of patients.

Did you hear about that IT teacher who touches up his students?

What a PDF file.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

Did you hear about that morbidly obese couple that just started dating?

They have a tonne in common.

Did you hear about that cologne made for nerds?

They call it “Elon’s Musk”

Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat

"Did you hear about that new movie 'Constipation'"?

(To which everyone answers no)

"Thats because it hasn't come out"

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