Dad Joke Jokes

When the punchline becomes apparent.

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

But when I do, he laughs

He's dead now though.

I’m a faux pa.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin... read more

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

Condoms.

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an... read more

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi... read more

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

What kind of drugs do fish do?




Seaweed

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

But he never finds them funny.

Person walks in the door: "hi!!"

Dad: "low!"

In a dad-a-base.

It leaves and never comes back.

Light blue.

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of... read more

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ... read more

He said he'd be right back

A woman goes into a pet shop and asks the manager if she can get a puppy for her daughter. The manager says, "Sorry Ma'am, we don't do exchanges."

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

An old timer IT guy was asked to help one of his clients add a new printer. When he arrived on location, he jumped on the client’s computer and then asked what type of printer it was so he could find it.

The customer frowned, scratched his head, and said “I think it’s a Brother printer, that’... read more

But he never finds them funny.

So I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes. It didn’t go over too well, I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes. I was doing to do one about chemistry, but now I’m afraid of the reaction.

But there is no demand right now.

Trust me, the difference is apparent.

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.

Me: I don't know?

Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th... read more

**Dad:** Whaddya got there son?

**Son:** Soy milk.

**Dad:** Hola milk, soy tu padre

I told him he can’t be shocked while grounded

What do you call a beautiful female roofer.


Bonnie Tiler.

Because they're not-z's.

Well, too bad. It left to go get the milk a year ago.

Nurse: so, this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.

Me: ohhh so nip balm?


Girlfriend: please ignore him.


Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To get the the bottom

Koalas are horrible when they wallaby

Why do Dad's take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case he gets.......... A hole in one!!!

Hahahahahaha

Do You know how to call a person who loves to eat an french baguette?

painkiller

Do you know what they call the student that finished last in medical school?

Doctor

They’re only for the groan, man.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

Don’t care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I’ll always be a proud Father…

She asked me “what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy”

"Dad I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dead."

"Haha, you mean dad."

"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."

"...wha-"

"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

What does a person with two left feet wear?

FLIP FLIPS!

My wife never gets my jokes, so in my last will and testament I left her my arm bone, because I thought it would be humerus.

### What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro cinco

A dad joke was explaining the facts of life to his pun.

"You'll be a dad joke one day when you become apparent after you're full groan."

Dad comes home from work 1 day and his daughter meets him at the door crying. Daddy something is very wrong with Fluffy. Dad asks her to show him. There is Fluffy in the middle of the floor laying on his back stiff as a board. Dad says I'm so sorry muffin but Fluffy has gone to visit God. Muffin ask... read more

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

Chun-Li: Can I ask you a question, Ryu?

Ryu: SHORYUKEN!

Son (in crowded store): "Hey Dad, do you know where Mom went?"

Me: (knowing Mom can hear around the corner) "Just ask some people where the most beautiful woman in the store is..."

Mom: (snort-laughs from around the corner)

Me: "...and see if she has seen your Mom."

Mom: ... read more

**I used to be really scared of campfires when we went camping.**

**Dont worry, after a while, i warmed up to them.**

My friend keeps saying "Cheer up mate it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

I know he means well.

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"

Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

Mathematical jokes make you number

With a Dad joke, everyone that is a dad laughs.

With a Mom joke, everyone that has a mom laughs.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo

It is hard explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally