UPJOKE

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Have I ever told you about that time my math teacher beat me up?

He really did a number on me!
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Today a large breasted woman beat me up in an elevator.

I was staring at her chest when she asked me, "Could you please press one?"
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Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.
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The guy whom used to beat me up and take my lunch money in high school still takes my lunch money today.

On the plus side, he makes really great sandwiches.
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Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet...
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Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember the time my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

But instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained what I did to my dad and he beat the crap out of me.

The next morning when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside. We all cried, mainly me. Because the car was from the electr...

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...
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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang ...
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A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.

Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand. The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or "he would be in a world of hurt". Even though the waitor was as skinny...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, beaten to a pulp

Bartender: oh my god, what happened to you?

Guy: This guy beat me up because he thought I was hitting on him

Bartender: That’s terrible!

Guy: Yeah, you should see the other guy

Bartender: That bad, huh?

Guy: No, he was hot as fuck.

A new wardrobe from IKEA

A woman buys a new wardrobe and puts it together. She is pretty proud of it, but since they're living right next to a highway, as soon as the bus rattles by, the vibrations cause the wardrobe to collapse. She builds it again, but the next bus makes it come back down again.

She goes and gets t...
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