UPJOKE

Be Rich Jokes

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married...

wish to be dead.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

Triangles seem to be rich

They hold so many properties

I heard that Jeffrey Epstein never wanted to be rich and famous.

All he ever wanted was to settle down and have kids.

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I have always wished to be rich

But everyone still chooses to call me Dick

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

when I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be will I be pretty? will I be rich? hear what she said to me.

SON WE NEED TO TALK.

My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich

now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money

Kid comes home from school and says 'Dad, we're gunna be rich tomorrow'.

Dad's like 'How?!?!'

'My math teacher said he's gunna teach us converting cents into dollars'.

I am finally going to be rich someday...

I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.

'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

The secret of long life

German billionaire Karl Albrecht used to play golf a lot. In fact, he had a private golf club, because he was a huge fan of the sport. He lived 94 years.

American investor Kirk Kerkorian also loved sports. In his eighties, he was rated top 3 tennis player of the country in his age. He lived 9...

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for d...

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are shipwrecked on a deserted island

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are shipwrecked on a deserted island. Over time, they become friends and do everything together. One day, they find a closed bottle in their fishing nets. They open it and a djinn appears and says:

"Thank you, guys. I usually grant only three wishes, bu...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

For richer or poorer

I asked my wife if she'd be interested in investing some of her money in stocks, like I invest mine.

She responded: "No, because if you'll get rich, I'll be rich, too."

So I asked her if the reverse is also true. Her response was:

"Sure! If I'll become poor, you'll be poor, too...

Orange Head

A man goes to see his friend to check out his new house. He arrives at the address and finds himself outside an incredible mansion. He knocks on the door and his friend answers, but there is something very different about him. His friend has a huge orange head. "What the hell happened to you?!" the ...

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

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A guy asks his friend why he wants to become rich so badly

The friend says, "Simply so I can indulge my sexual fantasies..."

And he goes, "Jesus, from what you've told me I figured you're more on the vanilla side."

His friend replies, "Oh, I am."

Confused, the guy asks, "Then why do need to be rich to pay for normal sex?"

So his ...

One day Kevin was taking a stroll through the beach and found a magic lamp

Kevin immediately rubbed the magic lamp and a genie appeared

Genie : "You have freed me from 1000 years of slavery and I shall be granting you a wish. So be very careful when you wish."

Kevin : "Oh um, I wanna be Rich"

Genie : "Alright then, your wish is granted"

Rich : "...

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.

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*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

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Dirty Leprechaun joke

So an American in Ireland walks into  a bathroom.
And there's a little Irishman taking a piss in the urinal. He goes up to the urinal to piss as well and is shocked at the guys big dick.
The American asks,
"where'd ya get that big dick?"

The Irishman goes,
" Well ya see sonnie, ...

So a African king calls all the men from his kingdom

And he says who ever can cross this river will take my daughters hand in marriage. The river had piranhas,crocodiles, and snakes in it. The men looked at each other and the king says do none of you want to marry my daughter?

Does no-one want to be rich and be the next king? All of a sudden t...

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Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink. He's carrying a brown paper bag, which he sets down on the bar.

The bartender asks "What's in the bag?" The guy says "Wanna see?" He reaches into the bag and pulls out a very tiny grand piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

The Fisherman and the Industrialist

One day, around noon, a fisherman is sitting on the docks, smoking his pipe, next to his haul for the day. A wealthy industrialist sees this and is positively confounded.



"Why aren't you out fishing?" demands the industrialist to the fisherman.



"I have caught all the fi...

Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...

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Sara and Billy were walking through a forest

when they found a Jinn. They rubbed his belly and suddenly out popped a lamp.

Jinn- Brilliant, this shist's been buggering me for bloody ages. To show my gratitude I'll grant you each one wish.

Sara- I want to be rich.

Jinn- No problems.

Rich- Thanks.

Billy- I want...

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wis...

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A man goes into a restroom at a bar...

He's standing at the urinal and notices a very short guy at the urinal next to him. The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard... and hung like a horse.

The man says, "Excuse me, sir, you're quite unusual looking, what's your story?" The l...

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

A guy walks into a bar...

At the other end of the bar, he sees a sailor with a head the size of an orange. Curious, he puts a few drinks back and builds up the courage to ask the guy what happened.

Sailor: Many years ago, I was on a ship that capsized on a deserted island. When I came to, I heard a whimpering sound co...

I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.

I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
...

An Irishman on how to mow lawns...

An Irishman is driving down the road with his son, when he sees a truck carrying a load of turf on the back.


He points to the truck & says: 'Son, When I get rich that's what I wan't to do'


The son says: 'Be a truck driver?'

The Irishman says: 'No, be rich enough ...

The price of savoring

Want to know why cannibals have to be rich?
Their dinners cost an arm and a leg

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

What you get, your husband will get it 3 times more

A woman is cleaning her attic, when she finds an old lamp. Surely enough, she rubs it and a genie pops off and tells her:

"I can grant you 3 wishes, but be aware that anything you get, your husband will get it 3 times more"


The woman asks:

"First I want to be very beautiful"...

A man had 3 problems...

A man had 3 problems:

1: He was very poor

2: He had no children with his wife

3: His mother was blind

An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...

Ah, what embarrassm...

A man finds a lamp..

Out of the lamp comes a Genie, the Genie says to the man you know the deal 3 wishes. There’s only one catch, whatever you wish for your mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks a bit on his first wish and says “Genie, I want to be handsome.” The Genie says waaa-laaa you’re a good looking man...

Dave stumbles upon an oil lamp

Dave then picks up the lamp and begins to rub some of the dust off of it. Then out of nowhere a genie comes flying out of it. Dave is ecstatic and cannot believe his luck. The genie then begins to talk to him:
Genie: Dave, you have released me from my lamp, I shall now grant you three wishes. ...

Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn c...

There is a man with a giant peach for a head walking down the street.

A man walks up to him and asks:

“Why do you have a giant peach as a head?”

The peach man replies,

“Funny story actually. I found a genie who gave me 3 wishes.

My first wish was to be rich, then a man came up to me and handed me a briefcase with millions of dollars.
...

Long

An abusive husband and his wife were lost in the desert. While their walking they stumbled upon an old lamp. The wife rubbed it and a genie.
Since he is a misogynist he said : Ill give you three wishes , but for each wish your husband will get it ten folds...
The wife was shocked and vanquis...

A deeply in love boy says to his girlfriend ...

"I might not be rich, nor have any money or expensive apartments, and even not be the owner of many companies like my friend Jack, but i love you, and i always will"


She, hugging him tight and already crying answered :


" If you really love me, will you introduce me to your fri...

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...

I'M GONNA TO BE RICH !!!



(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.

They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one an...

If bad Russian puns

were worth a Nikolai would be rich.

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

An old man an his grandson are taking a walk one crisp fall afternoon...

When the old man asks his grandson what he wanted to be when he grrw up.

"I wanna be rich like you granpa!" , responded the boy

Now the old man had worked hard all his life. Started off as an employee at a small company and ended up owning it. He almost never spent his hard earned mone...

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Golden Duck

Two guys are fishing in a lake and the fish just won't bite. Then they see a duck, so they decide to catch it. The duck says: "Please don't take me, I'm a golden duck, I will lay an egg for each of you. You just make a wish, crack the egg and it will be done." They think for a while and decide: "Ok,...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone would call me a name i'm not...

...I'd be Rich

A joke from my grandfather

Billy walks into the office one day looking very excited. He rounds up all the other guys in the office and says "I found the greatest horse in the world, and if we all bet on him in the next race, we could all be rich."

"What makes you think this horse is so great?" asks a skeptical co-worke...

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A teacher in a bad neighborhood

asks her students what they would like to be when they grow up. One boy says how he wants to be rich, and own 12 BMW's and a buch of Mercedes, and have a huge house. The teacher did not know what to say to this, so she moved on to the next student, Laquisha. She asked Laquisha what she wanted to be ...

Two blond cowboys...

Two blond cowboys (duke and matt) walk into a saloon. While they are at the bar, a man walks in and put an Indian head on the bar. The bartender hands the man $100. The two blond cowboys ask why. The bartender says.

"Indians killed my family. I'll pay a $100 for every Indian head brought to m...

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