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Askreddit Jokes

AskReddit is 16 years old next month ...

Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

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Found this on AskReddit

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens. Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken ...

Found on AskReddit

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.

The Barman told then: "that is there is the prize for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two mi...

The questions on r/askreddit are like sperms.

only one in a million reaches the egg.

Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes

A man goes up to his friend and asks him:

"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"

His friend replies:

"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so t...

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Two Italians are on a bus (x-post /r/askreddit)

...in America, I heard one of them say to the other, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, then I come again. Two asses come together one more time, then I, pee twice, then I come again." So I look at him and tell him we don't discuss our sex life in public, he told me, "I'm not...

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

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A wife sees her husband furiously cleaning the kitchen...

She asks "what are you doing?"

Husband replies "I gotta rub everything down, I just saw a cockroach crawl all over the kitchen!"

The wife nodds and walks away.
Later she goes on askreddit and posts a thread- help: how to catch a cockroach fast, my in-laws are coming and I need to ...

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

Great joke from the "Bad Roommates" thread in /r/askreddit

>Person 1: Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
>
>Person 2: No.
>
>Person 1: So it was you!


http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/peq8g/how_bad_was_your_roommate/c3ornyx?context=1

How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce? (x-post from askreddit)

Worsheshershershosh.

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A redditor goes to the doctor for mumps... (copypasta from an askreddit thread)

"I had the mumps during my first year of college, and along with that I got Orchitis (swelling of the testicles caused by the mumps) in my left nut, which swelled up to the size of a potato. It was really painful and heavy so I had to carry it everywhere for a while. So I went to the doctors, he che...

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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then n...

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man.

Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman'...

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

A friend told me that there are no stupid questions.

I told him to AskReddit

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!

Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

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I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

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Can I see your ID?

A little while ago in a supermarket in London, a young girl was screaming at the cashier for asking for ID for the large bottle of Vodka she was buying... as the cashier continued to ask for ID, the girl opened her coat to reveal a large swollen belly, and shouted "of course I'm old enough to drink ...

So I was in the hospital while my wife was giving birth...

I was reading an AskReddit post about weird children names. I saw a post where some kid was named Falcon. I thought naming my kid after a bird was a good idea, so I decided to name it Dodo, as the doctor told me the baby was already dead.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as t...

A family of Tortoise go on a picnic

A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.

A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They p...

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How to drive the wife crazy

So these three guys are talking about their sex lives; there's a Mexican, an American, and a Pole all sitting around the bar.

The Mexican is bragging. "When I make love to my wife," he says, "I always grab her by the back of the neck and whisper in her ear. It drives her crazy."

"When ...

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