A Man Jokes - 164 Hilarious A Man Jokes

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a hospital and sees a man masturbating.

He asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him that if he doesn't masturbate every 6 hours there would be a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, "You will have to explain this." The nurse replies, "Same problem better...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

A man walks into a bar.

He sucks at limbo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.

"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.

He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' ...

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a huge penis walks into the docs office...

A man with a huge penis walks into the doctors office and says D-d-d-d-oc y-y-y-ou n-n-need to h-h-h-help m-m-m-me!

The very puzzled doctor looked at this man and wondered what was going on. He did a few tests and found that he isn't getting enough blood flow to his head as its being directed...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

A man's wife dies young

The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!

40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks.
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”

“Where is Don...

A man walked into a bar

And stayed there my entire childhood.

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man found a woman tied to the rail tracks and untied her.

Then they had a lot of sex and he was on his way to the bar.
He started boasting about all the different positions they had sex in.

The bartender asks did you get any head.

To which the man replies
“I couldn’t find the head.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

A man sits down next to a woman at the bar

He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news

The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping

The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"

Th...

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was playing golf,

and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"

The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."

The man thanks her and returns to his hole. Smitten, he decides to go talk to her after a few ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."

The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.

He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."

So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.

He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach

A genie comes out and says "I will grand you three wishes, but I'm a different type of genie, I need you to know whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

The guy is kind of amazed the genie knows about his ex-wife, but he goes ahead and starts making wishes.

"I wish I had ...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

A man stumbles upon a genie in the desert

The genie pops up and says "congratulations, you may now request 2 wishes." Feeling confused, the man asks "why isnt it 3 wishes? Isnt it always 3?" After which, the genie tells the man to look in his pants. After a few seconds of amazement by the man, the genie explains, "listen kid, ive been doing...

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a church

and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.

“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.

“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

A man walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer...

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer.

Lady next to him - What a coincidence, I also ordered the Kingfisher.
Man - I'm celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?
Lady - My husband & I have been trying 4 yrs for a baby. Tod...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.

"About $20 a pint." she says.

"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,

"I wan to see Valerie."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

A man enters a pet shop

He spots a parrot with a higher than normal price tag.

"Why is this bird so expensive?" he asked the shop owner

"Oh well, it's a very special parrot you see" the owner replied "if you lift its right leg, it will sing a you hymn. And if you lift its left leg, it will recite a psalm"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man sh...

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Ho...

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"

"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"

"God, what is a million years to you?"

"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."

"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I underst...

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

A man goes to his friend's house and knocks on the door.

The wife responds and only had a towel on her.
The man looks at her and says: is your husband here?
She said: yes, he's taking a bath.
The man: I'll give you $100 if you drop the towel.
Wife: you are crazy, I would never do that.
The man: I'll give you $250 if you drop...

a man buys a parrot

A man buys a parrot. The bird is beautiful, but swears in the most foul manner all day long.

The man tries everything to silence the parrot: he covers the cage, he turns on loud music, he threatens to hit the parrot... but it's all of no use.

After a few days of incessant ranting, he b...

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.