UPJOKE

A Man Goes To The Doctor Jokes

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results...

The doctor says, I'm sorry but I have bad news. You have cancer.

The man says, oh no, that's terrible!

The doctor says, I'm very sorry, but I have even more bad news. You've also got Alzheimer's.

The man says, oh my God, that's awful! But hey, at least I don't have cancer!

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...

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A man goes to the doctor..

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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A man goes to the doctor and the doc says

“Everything is great! But there’s just one more thing that I need you to do”
The man replied “well what is it?”
The doc says “ I need you to go home and ejaculate in this bottle. We just need to look and see if everything is ok downstairs. Come back tomorrow with the bottle ”
So the man c...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor

"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.

Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Do...

A man goes to the Doctor

A man went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like ...

A man goes to the doctor because he has a hearing problem...

The man says to the doctor that he has a hearing problem, because whenever he farts he can barely hear them.

The doctor promptly prescribes him some medicine, explaining to him to take it before each meal.

The man is elated and asks if he will get all his hearing back, to which the doc...

A man goes to the doctor

\- Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere.

The doctor then asks:

\- Have you seen a psychologist?

The man:

\- No, no doctor, only blue elephants!

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

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A man goes to the doctor complaining about a severe headache for several years.

The doctor examines him and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headache. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only ...

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A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor with a large mole on his penis.

"That's unusual", says the doctor

The man says "Well it's the first time I've tried shagging one"

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

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A man goes to the Doctors and says…

“I’ve got a huge hole in my arse.”

The doctor says, “Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.”

The man does as he’s told. “My God!!” exclaims the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”

He replies, “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”

The doctor says...

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

A man goes to the Doctor

and tells him he’s been having terrible gas, but his farts don’t smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his cond...

A man goes to the Doctor

*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?

*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.

"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.

One day, he took his Umbr...

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my anus."

The doctor instructs him to drop his trousers, and then examines him.

The man asks, "Is it serious, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says

"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says

"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"

The man scoffs,

"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"

"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermo...

A man goes to the doctor.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it t...

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

A man goes to the doctor with a litany of complaints...

After a thorough examination, the doctor comes out to speak to his wife. "There's nothing too serious with your husband, he just needs to reduce his stress. Just don't complain to him, make him some nice meals, give him massages, and make love to him daily and he will be fine". The wife returns to h...

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A man goes to the doctor for a routine exam.

Peering into the patient's ear with a scope, the doctor asks the man if he masturbates regularly. Embarrassed, the man concedes that he does.

"I must recommend you stop" advises the doctor sternly.


"But why?" the patient asks, now concerned.


"Because you're disrup...

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A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

&nbsp;
**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

&nbsp;
**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your s...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my wife is an animal in the bedroom. She wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the woman and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me”?

The doctor replies, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever she d...

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A man goes to the doctor's office

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

A man goes to the doctor to treat a stomach ache.

Doctor: Hello! How are you?

Man: I'm fine, thank you

Doctor: That'll be $250

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"I have good news and bad news," the doctor says.

"Give me the bad news first and be done with it."

So the doctor tells him that whatever they have found is terminal and incurable. To go say his goodbyes and write up a will.

"That is pretty terrible news," says the man, "what's...

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of severe headaches.

They try several treatments, but none work.

One day, the doctor says, "I know this will sound crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. Just as she was about to climax she would squeeze my head really hard with her thighs, and my hea...

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A man goes to the doctor…

… and tells him that his dick is red and swollen and hurts.

Doctor: "I see you are married - how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Patient: "Well, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - in fact, every day.''

Doctor: "Hm…"

Patient: "And I ...

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pil...

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A man goes to the doctor

"Doctor, can you transplant my penis to my forehead please?"

Doctor: "No, that would be a dick move."

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

A man goes to the doctor and complains,

"Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"

The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.

The man breaths in relief.

"Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains'

'Pull yourself together man!' Replies the Doctor

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A man goes to the doctor ...

... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, Pussycat* out of my head.

Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."

The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"

Doctor ...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about chest pain.

The doctor asks him "Do you eat apples?", to which the man replies "Yes, one every day." The doctor takes a step back. "I'm sorry, you're on your own."

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I keep feeling that everyone thinks I'm a liar'

'I find that very hard to believe' says the Doctor.

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

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A Man Goes to the Doctor About His Erectile Dysfunction

“Doc I can’t perform in bed and it’s killing my dating life.”


The doctor replies, “I have just the thing,” and hands the man a bottle of pills. “These will allow you to get an erection, but only when lying on your back. Just tell her she should be on top.”
The man agrees to try it, des...

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A man goes to the doctor with a tennis elbow.

The doctor doesn’t even look at it, tells the guy to pee in a cup. Then he inserts the cup in a machine which prints out a paper reading, you have a tennis elbow. The man can’t believe this actually works, so when he gets home he asks his wife to pee in a cup, and then his son to pee in a cup as wel...

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

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A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor says, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The man, upset, says “why??”


“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

A man goes to the doctor, complaining about numbness in his arm.

The doctor prescribes him a bottle of pills.

"Tomorrow morning, take 1 pill from this bottle. The day after that, take 2 pills, then 3 the next day and so on." The doctor tells the man.

Several days later, the man comes back panicking.

"Doctor, you gotta help me! I took twice as...

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A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

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A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck in his anus

the doctor: "ah, I have some cream for that."

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

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A man goes to the doctor with severe sunburn

He’s asks the doctor, “Is theirs anything you can do to help relieve the pain as it is so bad I can barely sleep at night.”
The doctor prescribes the man a weeks supply of viagra.
“How will this ease the pain of my sunburn?!” The man asks before the doctor replies “It won’t but it will keep th...

A man goes to the doctor

"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"

The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."

A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So,...

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A man goes to the doctor to try and quit smoking

"Doc, you've got to help me, I have tried all the conventional methods of quitting smoking, and none have worked. Do you have any drastic cures?"

The doctor replies "well, there is something I know for this. Every night before bed, take a cigarette from the packet and put it up your rectum, a...

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea.” the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something.

If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing....

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A man goes to the doctors with a sore bum

He states he doesn't know what's causing the pain.

So the doctor begins to examine his rear and asks specifically where the pain is.

The man replies "At the entrance, that's where it's sore!"

The doctor replies "Well for as long as your refer to that as an 'entrance' there's goi...

A man goes to the doctor....

He says, "I don't know what's happening: I've grown a hairy chest, sideburns and I'm started talking in a Welsh accent.

"Ah", said the doctor, "I think you have Tom Jones sydrome".

"I've never heard of that", says the man, "is it very common?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual....

A man goes to the doctor and says

"Doc I'm having a real hard time. I can't stand up cuz it hurts so bad! I can't sit down cuz it hurts so bad! I can't even lay down it hurts so bad!"
The doctor says "sir, that sounds awful. Have you tried hanging?"

A man goes to the doctor

He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself."

The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?"

"I said a fear of-"

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A man goes to the doctor

He says, ‘Doctor, I poop every morning at seven. What should I do?’.

The doctor tells him not to worry, that most people would love to be that regular.

‘But wait’, the man says, ‘I wake up at 7:30….’

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