UPJOKE
roman numerals2010scommon eraanno domini3rd millennium21st centuryperiodic tabledmitri mendeleev

2019 Jokes

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because today they got into a fight, and 2021!

Happy new year y’all!

In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

In 2019 I will only watch 4K videos

It is my New Year’s resolution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2019 I had 20/20 vision.

It was shit.

2019: Stay away from negative people.

2020: Stay away from positive people.

In 2019, we coughed to cover up a fart.

In 2021, we fart to cover up a cough.

Most useless purchase of 2019.....

A 2020 planner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If 2019 was shit

Then 2020 would be a septic tank filled with Amy Schumer Jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

YouTube rewind 2019

That's it, the whole fucking joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you pooped yet in 2019?

Or are you still hanging on to shit that happens last year?

2019 has Mono

Its symptoms are likely caused by the Epstein-Barr virus

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Happy new year 2019 guys!!!

Posted via Internet Explorer

2019 Super Bowl Tickets

A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Andrews ...

2019: Cancel culture has gone too far

2020: Hold my Corona

I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

April 15, 2019 is the date the Notre Dame cathedral....

Ex-spired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissin' in the snow, 2019

Donald Trump wakes up one morning and looks out the White House window, where he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" in huge letters, pissed into the snow below. He calls in the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret Service, and screams, "I want answers! Who's responsible for this? Report back after lunch!"

...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

The best joke of 2019 to date.

Your New Year resolution.

Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

Nobody can truthfully say they've been born in 2019

They just can't talk about it.

Credit: u/tupacisaliveinserbia

My 2019 is starting off a little bit hazy

But 2020 should clear things up.

My New Year’s resolution for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 15 to go!

My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to not do things prematurely.

So far it's going well.

I present to you the first bad joke of 2019.

How does a physicist define a woman?

A hormonic oscillator.

It hasn't even been 2019 for a month yet

It feels like so much longer ago that I broke all of my resolutions

June 7th, 2019, the day the moon became a part of Mars

Thanks POTUS.

Blind people are going to rejoice in December 2019.

I'm sure they'd form some sort of 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tropical Storm Karen (2019), briefly affected Puerto Rico before moving out to sea.

Typical Karen move, lots of noise then buggers off in a huff.

2019 Everest Climbing Season is like a M. Night Shyamalan Movie

They are all dead, they just don't know it yet.

Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019...

I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.

A Reflexion on 2018

I know a lot of people thought 2018 sucked and that 2019 is better, but to me 2018 was full of awesome memories and things i’ll never forget.

So much so I remember it like it was yesterday

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

Im just now realizing its going to be 2019 in just a few days

If you would have told me this months ago i would have called you crazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to

Twenty-Thir TEEN
Twenty-Four TEEN
Twenty-Fif TEEN
Twenty-Six TEEN
Twenty-Seven TEEN
Twenty-Eight TEEN
Twenty-Nine TEEN
Quar-an TEEN

Do you know how many North American teams qualified for LOL worlds 2019 group stage?

N/A

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

Word has it that r/jokes will be the greenest sub by the end of 2019

Our recycling efficiency may even reach 100%!

I am glad Game of Thrones is coming to an end in 2019

I hate when TV shows dragon too long.

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

Now that it’s 2019 I bought a new calendar but I’m afraid for it...

It’s days are numbered.

*Politics* Year 2019, two inmates are talking in a prison:

\- What are you here for?

\- I wrote a comic strip saying that our president was an idiot.

\- Did they charge you under an article for rioting or harassment then?

\- For disclosure of classified information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, an asteroid named 2019 OK passed close to Earth at a speed of 88,500 kilometres (55,000 mi) per hour.

Scientist say that if it had passed even closer its name would have been 2019 OFUCK.

2010: Didn't jog.

2011: Didn't jog.

2012: Didn't jog.

2013: Didn't jog.

2014: Didn't jog.

2015: Didn't jog.

2016: Didn't jog.

2017: Didn't jog.

2018: Didn't jog.

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Still haven't jogge...

I can’t believe that in 2019 viruses and bacteria can still just invade my body whenever they want

It makes me sick

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a millennial in 2019, I'm really appreciative for all the meals my mother cooked for me as a kid...

Because now whenever I eat ass it always reminds me of home.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

Doubtful German police press release

In 2020, German police announced that they had to fire shots at people a total of 62 times throughout 2019.

However, the U.S. Ambassador to Germany doubted these figures, as he did not believe that there have been only two traffic stops in the entire year in the whole of Germany.

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

Hoping to get over the pandemic this year...

It's been pretty bad since the world caught covid 19 in 2019. I've been hearing rumors about the possibility of new variants all over the news. Let's hope we don't catch 22 this year.

In loving memory of my salary

Date given: November 1, 2019

Died: November 1, 2019

What does my dad and a large crowd have in common?

Never seen them since 2019

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

"Grandma, if you can hear us, show us a sign"

until 2019 : Spiritism session.

2020 : Skype call session.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welfare Check:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job...

What's something that can be not popular but very viral?

Corona in the end of 2019

I saw them shaking hands



like it was 2019

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

I don't write dates often...

...but when I do, it's definitely still 2019.

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

I think Fallout was ahead of its time

The Resource Wars started in 2003 and the New Plague started in 2019

When it comes to technology, Asian countries really do have Europe and America beat.

We’re living in 2019 while they’re already a decade ahead!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.