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My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

I’m sick of those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn.”

Stupid firefighters.

What do you need if you're facing a RICO charge?

A "suave" defense! (For those old enough to understand).

All you need in life is 1 good friend

To delete your web browsing history after you die

A photon checks into a hotel and the front desk asks "Do you need help with your luggage"?

The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's total bullshit that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.

What do you need before you can buy a small Italian car?

Fiat money.

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the law...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

What two MLB players do you need on your team to have no worries for the rest of your days?

1) Acuña
2) Machado

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

How many chef do you need to solve world hunger?

Depends on how you cook them

How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?

Four tunes.

Dance like it hurts… love like you need money…

work when people are watching.

What vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?

A-spare-I-guess

How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "Why"

She said "Well, to be honest, you're not supposed to enjoy a rectal exam this much"

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?

A large fortune

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

Do you need a boat of biblical proportions built?

Because I Noah guy. I hear he's a fantastic Arkitect.

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

Knowledge is like underwear, you need to have it but you don't need to show it

but people always want to be the superman

A man gets pulled over by the police. When a policeman asks him to show his driving license, he responds "You need to cooperate."

The policeman asks him "What do you mean by "cooperate"?"

The driver replies "Well, last week one of you took my license away, and now you want me to show it!"

Always remember, it takes 2 wipes to know you need 3...

But 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

Why do you need to know gymnastics to invade Russia?

Because you need to be able to make a summerassult.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Don't you hate it when you need to pay to use the bathroom?

I'll take my business elsewhere.

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw.

Do you need a parachute to go skydiving?

No, you need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

Which two fish you need to make a shoe?

Sole and eel.

There's two things you need to know to get succesful

First of all don't tell everyone evrything you know

What do you need to make trap music?

A snare drum

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

How many musicians do you need to start a ska band?

4. 1 to drop it.

3 to

pick it up

Pick it up

Pick it up

A lady gives her maid notice, so the maid decides to speak her mind 'You need to know, I am a better cook, cleaner, more attractive and better in bed than you' The lady is outraged and screams 'How dare you insinuate my husband says such things!'

'I didn't' says the maid 'The gardener does'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two:

One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.

THE LADDER! I meant the ladder.

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

All You Need Is Love

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better...

To become rich and successful all you need is to make sure you get your foot through the door.

The only thing that can stop you is when someone figures out who broke into their houses.

“I think you need to go outside to take a breather.”

“Hank, we’re astronauts.”

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

What do you need to find a calzone in a warzone?

strong ricottascents

How many pilots do you need for good music?

At least 22.

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

If the air conditioning in your car dies, all you need is some WD-40.

Windows Down - 40mph

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Geopolitics you need to understand.

Complex Geopolitics

The US has apologised to France and will likely bring them into AUKUS. Australia will be replaced and so the new alliance will then be known as FUKUS…

If Australia stays, then it becomes FUK-USA.

If Canada joins, it will be known as CAN-FUK-USA

If I...

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

What do you need at every Jewish horse's wedding?

A Mazel Trough

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers you need to change lightbulb in the basement?

Well, it is not 3 since it is still dark in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Johnny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”

and the teacher fainted.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

What kind of training to you need to become a garbage collector ?

None, you just pick it up as you go along

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you need big boobs to work at Hooters

Do you need one leg to work at IHop?

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Me:”Finally, someone who understands me."

How to know everything you need to know

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress...

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

You need to put another stamp on this parcel as it’s to heavy

But another stamp will just make it heavyer

You need an ark?

Because I noah guy.

Why do you need a driver's license to get your blood drawn?

Because its called a blood drive.

Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life

Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor

Doctor : Exactly

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you need viagra to get hard

Erection fraud

What do you need for a job application for a teen drama?

A CW.

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

Doctor: You need glasses!!

Patient: How could you tell?

Doctor: I knew as soon as you walked through the window

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three.

One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder.

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

If you need to borrow a quarter at school who do you ask?

The exchange students.

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

How many Vietnam veterans do you need to change a light bulb?

“YOU DON’T KNOW??? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!! YOU WEREN’T THERE!!”

How much room do you need to grow fungus?

As mushroom as possible.

How many successful jumps do you need to do to join the parachute club?

All of them.

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C’s

Question from non American. Why did you need to impeach Trump?

I mean he already is orange... is he not?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife,"How do you spell Hawaii?" Karen replied, "You need two i’s." Cyclops growled...

"My life is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it Karen?"

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you need before having sex with a mythical creature?

Consentaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say to win a girl’s heart, you need to make her laugh.

That’s why my first move is always a dick pic.

What kind of class do you need to take to be on the hurdling team?

An obstacle course

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the candle that makes you need to poop?

It's called a waxative.

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count

*Edit* 2. Proof read

If you think Alcohol is a solution you need help

It's a solvent.

Top 20 shocking facts you need to know about Triskaidekaphobia!!!

Number 13 will scare you!

The very last thing my dad said to me before he died was 'You need one of those things that you can shred cheese with'...

That was some grate advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: “Look. You need to stop masturbating.” . . . Me: (confused)”Why’s that, Doc?”

Doctor: “Because, I’m trying to talk to you right now.”

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

How many StackOverflow users do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Why do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
You should instead use a flashlight.

Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?

So you can log in.

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