UPJOKE

You Ever Hear Jokes

You ever hear the one about how many programmers it takes to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

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Did you ever hear about the psychic prostitute??

She'll really blow your mind!

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Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

you ever hear about Darth Vader's other daughter, Ella Vader?

She's really going up in the world.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

Did you ever hear that joke about Taylor series?

I don’t remember it exactly, but I can tell it pretty close.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

You ever hear about the bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shay

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You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

Did you ever hear about the doctor who was so obsessed with body building that it killed him?

I think his name was Frankenstein.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

You ever hear about the canine pilot from WWI?

He got into a dog fight but thankfully he shook his tail.

Did You Ever Hear About Christopher, The Brown-Nosed Reindeer?

He could run just as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick...

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

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Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

Did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

Did you ever hear about McDonald's sending 10 million straws to Ethiopia..

Ethiopia wrote back and said thanks for the leg warmers

You ever hear about the psychopathic door?

He was unhinged.

Did you ever hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

Don’t worry, he was fine, he sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

Did you ever hear the one about the Bulgarian train driver?

So there was once a Bulgarian train driver. He had wanted to be a train driver ever since he was a little boy, and he loved his job. So one day, he was so into his job that he decided to go a little faster. So he sped up the train and it went so fast that it derailed. So the train derailed and it ki...

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

Did you ever hear about the un-funny clown?

He tried ten times to make the audience laugh, but no pun in ten did.

Why won't you ever hear a psychopath urinate?

Because the p is silent

Did you ever hear about the guy that got his degree in breaking pencils?

He said it was pretty pointless.

Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a very well thawed out plan

Did you ever hear about the murder attempt that failed?

You could say it was poorly executed.

Did you ever hear about that army from north-west France that was made up entirely of people using polearms?

Y'know. The Brittany Spears?

Did you ever hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog.

Why don't you ever hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

Did you ever hear of the landlord who played favorites?

He only did maintenance for his main tenants.

You ever hear about the guy who stepped on the à?

He had one foot in the grave.

Did you ever hear about the vegan, the atheist, and the crossfitter who walked into a bar together?

I don't know how you haven't heard about them, they told everyone.

Did you ever hear about the guy who got both his left arm and left leg chewed off by bears?

Yeah I saw him a few weeks ago, he's all right

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Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman?

Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts t...

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You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a circlejerk?

He came in first *and* third.

(Ngaio Bealum)

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