UPJOKE

You're So Drunk Jokes

You know when you're so drunk you cant get your key in the ignition?

Yeah the cop didn't get it either.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Oh. Okay then.

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up th...

Five friends, completely drunk, get to a train station...

... when the train arrives, four of them get in, but one is so wasted he stays behind.

A cop is watching the whole scene from a distance, can't resist, walks to the guy and says:

"So you're so drunk you couldn't even catch the train with your friends, huh?"

To what the man respo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

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