UPJOKE

Would You Jokes

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

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Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

A guy is asked by his friend: “What would you do if your wife cheats on you?”

He answers “I’d throw his dog through the window and break the stick”

Friend: “what stick? What dog?”

To what the guy replies: “If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!”

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

[NSFW] What would you call Dwayne Johnsons boyfriend?

Rock bottom.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team?

The High Five

A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?

Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty

In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.

Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?

Drifter: I'll have...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh.”

Which would you rather do:

A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or…

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

How would you describe a bad joke about pancakes?

Wawful.

Would you like a dead battery?

They're free of charge!

Where would you store a T-Rex on a submarine?

Inside the small arms locker.

"Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."

My Wife asked me "Which of my friends would you have a 3some with?"

Apparently naming 2 of them wasn't the correct answer!

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated?

WASWAS.

Why would you go to bed wearing armour?

It's the best way to get a good knight's sleep.

If you were a white guy who lost his clone, where would you go.

India, cause that's where white people find themselves.

Wife: "Would you like dinner?"

Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No"

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

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What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

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Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

….Gatherer

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

What would you call a cheaper edition of a book of recipes for Indian side dishes?

Paperback Raita.

If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

What would you call it if Mel Gibson apologizes to the Jewish people?

Melatonin

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

Job Interviewer~ What would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me\~ I am too honest.

Job Interviewer\~ I don't think of that as a weakness at all.

Me\~ Well, I don't really give a sh\*t what you think.

How many times would you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has eight of those,

So the first two would be test-tickles.

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Why the fuck would you take them off?!

Mary went home happy, telling her mom about how she earned 20 bucks just by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Mary, they just wanted to see your panties!" Mary replied, "Ah, that's the thing. See Mom, I was smart, so I took them off!"

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?

Me: I bring a lot to the table.

A girl asked her boyfriend "Babe, would you leave me if I was unattractive?"

The boyfriend replies "I'm still here, aren't I?"

What would you call a parent who is always worried about their kids?

Parentoid

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

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“If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?”

“No”


“Want to go camping?”

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A guy asks a woman "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes."

"Well would you do it for five dollars?"

"NO! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?

A hipsterectomy.

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Job Interviewer: In the event of a fire, which steps would you take?

Interviewee: Fucking big ones

what kind of kung fu, would you use to stop Russia?

You Crane.

What would you call a hair product that was marketing batman?

Conditioner Gordon.

Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?

Referee: Yes.

Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?

Referee: No.

Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.

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"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reache...

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

Blonde: "In three months."

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

What would you call a Muscular Arab?

A Protein Sheikh

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If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

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