UPJOKE

Wife Left Me Jokes

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.



She just couldn't take it any longer.

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

My wife left me because I use only one brand for my clothes, sportswear and perfumes.

Turns out she's Lacoste intolerant.

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

My wife left me, Cosmo, after doing some trigonometry.

She saw a tan gent and chose sin over Cos'.

My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

My wife left me because of my obsession with golf

It’s ok


I figured our relationship was on the 18th hole

My wife left me to become an astronaut...

she needed Space

My wife left me

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

My wife left me because of my constant zodiac puns.

It finally Taurus apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

my wife left me cuz I spend all day playing RPGs..

now i'm not the mana used to be

My wife left me last week

She said I never listened to her, or something like that

My wife left me for an Indian man

I wouldn't be worried about it becouse I know that in India they sure take good care of their cows.

My wife left me this morning

It was a 7/10 split

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

My wife left me this morning...

My wife left me this morning. She said that I never communicate with her properly or let her know how I feel about things.

I didn’t know what to say.

My wife left me after I got fired from my job in encryption.

19H5I191BI20CH

My wife left me because I kept making beer puns.

Alcohol her later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

My wife left me & ran off with my best friend. But I'm not too worried.

After all, how far can they get in a dog park?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me because she caught me measuring my penis.

For the record, it's just long enough to reach the back of her sisters throat.

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

My wife left me for a bird, and still got sole custody of the kids

Judge said it wouldn't be right to make them leave the nest so soon

Since my wife left me, there is a song that I just can’t get out of my head

It’s called “ I am so miserable without you, it’s like having you still around”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me for giving my penis a name...

Guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time is not the charm

My wife left me today

She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.

My wife left me with the kids last night

I don't think they're ever coming back.

My wife left me because I do a terrible Arnold Scwarzanager impression. But don't worry...

I'LL RETURN

My wife left me because of my pasta touching fetish

I’m feeling cannelloni right now

My wife left me because of my obsession with Cher.

If I could turn back time

My muslim wife left me the other day..

I guess she didn't know what jihad.

My wife left me because I'm an crossdresser with no sense of direction...

So I packed up her things and right.

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games"..

I was so sad I could hardly console myself

My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

My wife left me after she found out how much I’d been paying for manual labor.

Or hand jobs as she calls them.

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

When my wife left me I was upset, lonely, and sad.

So I got a dog, bought a new motorcycle, hooked up with a couple of floozies, and blew a grand on drugs and booze.

Boy, is she gonna be mad when she gets home from work.

My wife left me because apparently I'm to paranoid

I'm ok with that. Rather live alone than with a clone

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Smash Mouth.

I didn't believe her.

But then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy's still reeling.

My wife left me yesterday, saying our relationship felt too much like work

I just wish she had given me two weeks of notice

My wife left me a note on the fridge saying “this isn’t working”

I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she’s talking about.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure

Oh wait. She didn't leave, I'm falling! Damn my lack of mountain climbing safety equipment!

My wife left me because I spend too much time playing video games

Now I do it because I enjoy it

My wife left me because I never listened to her

Not sure though but I think that's the reason

My wife left me a note saying “I want a divorce,

I’m already seeing someone, you’re not a good husband and I can’t deal with your nitpicking anymore.”

So then I called her and said “Nit-picking has a hyphen in the word.”

My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

I haven't been able to have any orange soda since my wife left me

It takes 2 to Tango

My wife left me because I kept telling her the same jokes

Thank you r/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

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