UPJOKE

When I Was Young Jokes

When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

I wish I'd listened to what my parents told me when I was young...

other person: What did they tell you?



Me: I don't know, I didn't listen

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

When I was young I hated drunks.

When I grew up I realized that we are not such a bad people.

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

when I was young and dumb, I lived paycheck to paycheck.

After a lot of hard work and a lot of saving I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I can't party like I used to when I was young.

A couple of rounds of pin the tail on the donkey and I'm wiped out.

When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

When I was young I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions....

Me: Grandpa, why does is it rain ?

Grandpa: Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty.

Me: Also why do animals die ?

Grandpa: Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think thats it for today?

Me: One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school t...

When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.

All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

When I was young, they always told me, "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life".

I didn't realize until now that it was a warning.

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank..

We were too poor for a dog.

When I was young, I asked my dad if I could have pets and he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

When I was young we were so poor

That burglars broke into the house in the middle of the night. They couldn’t find anything to steal so they woke us up to make fun of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics"

I never understood why bird watching was wrong

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

When I was young everybody believed in me

The doctor saw in me a potential physician

The teacher saw in me a potential professor

The chef saw in me a potential cook

The priest saw in me a potential partner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I thought girls didn't poop

Now I realize they're all full of shit

When I was young, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

As I got older, I realized it’s just a phase.

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

When I was young I wanted to be a plumber

But it ended up just being a pipe dream

When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues

Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.

When i was young, i was so ugly

even the priest told me we could be just friends.

I remember this joke that my father told me when I was young and I only got it now

An artist asks the gallery owner if there’s been any interest in his paintings that are on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” says the owner.
“The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it w...

When I was young I couldn’t differentiate between black and white.

Those were dark times.
Or not.
I could never tell.

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

Stupid joke I made when I was young

What do you call a fat monster who’s okay-at-best at his job?

Meaty ogre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"

She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."

"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was

she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

I pray every night for a new bicycle when I was young

Then I realized that is not how God works

So I stole one and pray for forgiveness instead

When I was young, I always thought the feet were the first part of a person to go to heaven

First, because they're called the "souls" of your feet. Second, I once walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my dad holding my mom down on the bed. Her feet were in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!"

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I used to be into boobs...

...but now I'm a grown ass man.

When I was young I remember me and my crush behind the school bins.

Fortunately I didn't get caught disposing of her body.

When I was young man I met a girl in Tennessee turned out she was a moonshiners daughter. That was a long time ago..

But I love her still.

When I was young, I remember my mom constantly reminding everyone at dinner that she didn’t have a favourite child.

Harsh, given that I’m her only kid.

When I was young...

...my teacher said I was nothing but a stupid loser, and I'd never amount to anything.

Now, I look back on my life and I realize that being home-schooled really sucked.

When I was young, I grew up in a theme park..

The theme of the park was trailer.

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . .

I was right.

When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad

... he also wants to be smart!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I thought Urethra and Penis were same.

As an adult I learned that there’s a vas defrens

One time when I was young...

One time when I was young I did something really stupid. So my mother started disciplining me. Only this time in particular, some music had started playing. I wanted to go turn it off, but she beat me to it.

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut...

He said, " The sky's the limit."

We were just reminiscing about when I was young, my dad used to put me and my brother inside car tyres and roll us down the hill.

They were goodyears.....

When I was young, I thought all germs came from

Germany.

I didn’t like puns when I was young.

I’m all groan now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I had a fairy God mother.

She said I could have one wish, either a long memory or a long penis.

I can't remember what I asked for.

I remember the good Ol' days when i was young and stupid.

Now I'm just stupid.

When I was young I would go and throw rocks at the man doing Taekwondo in the park

I would always get a huge kick out of it

I was way more nostalgic when I was young.

Man, I miss those days.

When I was young my dad told me "Anything easy in life isn't worth doing"..

That's why I only drink Hard liquor.

When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth.

Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food.

When I was young, I slipped on some spilled beans and broke my spine, paralysing myself...

Oh what I'd have done with Heinzsight.

When I was young, there were double novels...

books that had one story right side up on one side, one story upside down on the other side.

So I'm at a flea market and I find one of those old gems. I have to have it. I start reading and I'm loving it. Brought me back to my youth...until I realized someone tore out the middle page. Now I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young...

When I was young I constantly had to go to weddings and put up with my grandparents winking at me and saying 'you're next'. They soon stopped that crap when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

A joke my dad told me many years ago when I was young.

Me: Dad, why are some guys bald in the front and some on the back of their heads?

Dad: They're caused by different things. You see, people who are bald on their foreheads are thinkers. And people who are bald on the back of their heads means that they're really smart.

Me: What abou...

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

Her boy kept pulling funny faces at me so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."

The little boy replied, "Well, you can't say she didn't warn you!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

When I was younger...

I used to be in a bar band called Terabytes.


We had thousands of gigs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

When I was younger I had a job baiting fish hooks down the docks.

I started off as an apprentice but by the time I left I was a Master baiter.

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