UPJOKE

What Did The Jokes

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny frog say?

Rubbit.

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up B*tches

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar have for lunch?

Five guys..

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

Beat it, we’re closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the dwarf say to the prostitute?

Hi ho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the prostitute say when she walked off the job?

I just don't have it in me anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after sleeping with Charmander?

Vulvasore.

what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

he wiped his ass

What did the Avacado say to itself in the mirror?

You are 'fat' but you are 'good fat'

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

(Sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?

I'm only gonna show you this once

What did the American rocket say to the soviet rocket in space.

Good we’re alone now we can speak German.

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him?

Sorry, my fault.

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You're pointless! (by the way, my 8 year old heard at school)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop all this shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

What did the full glass say to the empty glass?

You look drunk.

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

What did the clock do when it was hungry?

It went back four seconds.

What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?

“These aren’t the ‘roids you’re looking for.”

Happy Star Wars day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

what did the traffic light say to the traffic light?

Don't look, I'm changing.

What did the Bulbasaur say when he found out his wife was cheating on him?

Bulbasaur

What did the sushi say to the bee when they met?

Wasabi!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the right buttcheek say to the left?

It's amazing that we're still together. Even after all the shit we've been through

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

What did the chimney say to the other chimney

I’m high

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

What did the fish say to the beaver?

"Excuse me sir, you've clogged my toilet."

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

What did the doctor say to to the female to male trans guy.

You have an iron deficiency.

What did the bookworm say to the librarian?

“Can I burrow this book, please?”

What did the EA say to ubisoft?

You must purchase the r/jokes season pass to see this

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

What did the Urologist say to the student who just got accepted in Urology School?

"Urine"

What did the sarcastic snail say to the slug?

Nice house bro!

What did the newscaster say after he finished foreplay?

This just in!

what did the nuke say to the dynamite?

Ok, Boomer

What did the programmer name his son?

JSON.

What did the sun say to the ice?

You’re gonna have a total meltdown!


(My five year old just made this one up at dinner tonight. He’s so proud.)

What did the pharoah say to the pyramid salesman?

Shut up and take my mummy!

What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?

Bond. Gold Bond.

What did the lazy orthodontist say?

"Brace yourself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

What did the Uber driver say to the one-legged fare?

"Hop in!"

What did the failed assassin say to the other?

«Do you wanna have a stab at it?»

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

What did the Sea Urchin say to the Sea Cucumber?

With fronds like these, who needs anenomies?

What did the old married cassette tape say to his wife back in “92?

Now we can retire, It will be nice to relax and rewind

What did the shovel say to the white bucket?

You look a bit pail today.

What did the Atheist Beaver say when he woke up in hell ?

"well I'll be damned"

What did the vampire say to his depressed friend?

Be positive.

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

What did the bacteria say when it successfully divided?

Fission accomplished!

What did the measuring cup say to the water?

I’ve had it up to here with you!!!

What did the two termites order at the restaurant?

Table for two, please

What did the Plumber's belt say to the Plumber's pants?

RELEASE THE CRACKEN!

What did the astronaut say to his wife?

I need some space!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney ?

You’re to young to smoke

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

What did the jackhammer say to the soldier?

This is not a drill

What did the linguistics professor fail Geometry?

He was really bad a translating!

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say?

Thank you, cum again!

What did the religious vegetarian say?

Lettuce pray.

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