UPJOKE

Walk Into Jokes

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...

Followed by Batman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer. The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks the second mathematician.

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remark...

A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant.

The waitress asks, "Table for two?".

A group of dictators walk into a bar

and order everyone around.

A muslim and a Mormon walk into a bar

A muslim and a Mormon walk into a bar, and the bar tender asks what are you doing here

A Man and a Gorilla Walk into a Bar

A man and a gorilla walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man replies, "Beer for me, and ice for my friend here"

"Ice?" the bartender asks.

"Yes." He replied. "Justice for Harambe."

Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar

bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some id"

Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.

The Bartender shouts 'Get out we don't serve your type in here'

A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

Why did the pirate walk into a Pilates studio?

He mistook the L for an arrrr

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Blue Whale walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they want to drink

The Catholic Priest says, "I want to celebrate the spirit of the Lord. I will have a glass of red wine, to represent His blood and suffering".

The Rabbi says, "I will have a glass of Mogen David Kosher wine, to represent the reading of the Kid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.

The businessman starts. He says: "I've been dealing with this investor who's financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I'm good for nothi...

Jesus walks into a bar...

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Three database engineers walk into a bar…

… they couldn’t find a table.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car.

The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren...

An explorer and his fox walk into a bar.

The bouncer lets the fox through but stops the explorer and says “sorry you are not compatible here.”

Two diplomats - an english and a russian - walk into a toilet.

They pee into urinals.

After they've done it, the english diplomat washes his hands - the russian one, however, doesn't.

- We, in the Royal University of Diplomacy, were told to wash our hands after we pee, - says the englishman.

- And we, - the russian responds, - in the Univer...

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks- does you guys want a drink?

The first logician thinks for a moment and says “I don’t know.”

The second logician also replies “I don’t know.”

The third logician promptly states “Yes.”

A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar...

Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

A house walk into a bar

Damn hurricanes

A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.

Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar....

Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve underage here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out "Drinks for the House, On Me!"

The newspaper next morning reads 'Irish Ventriloquist Found beaten to Death behind Pub'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar

“Hey Kanye!”

2 guys walk into a bar

The third guy ducked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two scientists walk into a bar.

“I’ll have H2O,” says the first. “I’ll have H2O, too,” says the second. The bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functions of homonyms in coda positions, as well as pragmatic context.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant

"Table for twenty-six, please."

"There's only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

2 Guys walk into a bar

Which was pretty dumb seeing that the second guy saw the first guy get hurt

Max Clifford, Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar in hell

“Oh no” says the barman. “Not Yewtree again”

An MI6 agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent walk into a bar

[REDACTED]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar

The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food.

The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar.

The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The ba...

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....



I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar

The bartender says "What will it be, Father?"

A catholic priest, a predator and a criminal walk into a bar

He ordered a beer

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll ya have?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know" says the rabbit. "I'm only here because of autocorrect".

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar

and keep their religions to themselves.

A Fighter, a Rogue, a Wizard and a Cleric walk into a dungeon...

The fighter says "Keep an eye out for mimics!"

"Got it!" said the Rogue.

"No problem!" said the Wizard.

"Of course!" said the Cleric.

"Psh! Mimics aren't real!" said the treasure chest.

A man and his suicidal horse walk into a bar

The man says to the bartender, "Bartender! Get me the best wings you have and make it quick as I am quite hungry right now."

With his eyes lit up, the horse turns to his owner and asks, "How hungry?"

A catholic, a Jew, and a Hindu walk into Abar.

He says “ Hello! It is me, Abar the Muslim. It’s always good to see my multicultural friends!”

A Frenchman and a Spaniard walk into a cafe

The Frenchman says “I’ll have a gateau, please”

Then the Spaniard says “I’ll have the same thing”

The Frenchman is satisfied, but the Spaniard gets arrested

A programmer, account manager, and client walk into a bar

They all order drinks and start chatting about their work. The programmer says, "I'm a coder. I spend my days writing lines of code to make software work." The account manager says, "I'm a salesperson. I spend my days convincing people to buy the software that the programmer writes." The client says...

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can not tell me that's a coincidence!

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first one goes to the bartender: I'll have a blood

Second goes: I'll have a blood light

Third goes: I'll have some hot water.

The bartender gives him a cup of hot water and a perplexed look.

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Tea time"

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar

Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?

Sigmund Freud says: I’ll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass

Carl Jung says: I’ll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass

Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
...

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