UPJOKE

Up Late Jokes

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

What did the mama cow say to their calf when she caught it staying up late?

Hay, it's pasture bedtime!

I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

I think Putin woke up late today

I saw him Russian to work

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared

Then it dawned on me....

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

Do you know why I stay up late on weekends?

Because sleep is for the week.

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

A nun wakes up late for church....

She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"

He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

I stayed up late last night watching a documentary about beavers...

It was the best dam documentary I've seen

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

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A man wakes up late for work

He gets dressed and rushes out the door and runs into a huge line of traffic. After much patience he finally gets to work. Because of his exhaustion he goes to the break room to get coffee and there was a line going out the room for the coffee machine. After waiting for what seemed like forever he f...

A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.
He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.
The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these t...

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

Had a date with an Inuit girl, she showed up late...

She said she blew a seal in her car. I don't think I'll see her again, bestiality is wrong..

If a mentally challenged person shows up late

Is it ok to call him tardy?

"You are gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late"

Jokes on you I am gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what.

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."




Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was up late last night trying to make a belt out of wristwatches...

It turned out to be a waist of time.

My mate works as a shepherd, but he keeps getting in trouble for showing up late.

Doesn't seem like he's lost any sheep over it though.

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of vodka.

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.

The first cop says to his partner, "Man, t...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

fight club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting

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A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and ...

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