UPJOKE

Ugly Woman Jokes

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

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An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"


The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk r...

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tu...

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

Banging an ugly woman....

Banging an ugly woman is a lot like skydiving. It's a great time, as long as you don't look down.

In all my years of womanizing, I never went to bed with an ugly woman.

But I sure did wake up with a few.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man...

You're going to have to work.

-Daniel Tosh

Ugly Woman in the Park

A young man was sitting on a park bench when a hideous middle aged woman walked by. 
The poor crone had two children with her, a young boy and a baby girl. 
The young man smiled at the lady, gestured to her children, and asked if they were hers. 
The woman replied that yes, they were indeed...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

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Don't step on the ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and a...

Psychology

Today I realized I had to go see a psychologist when I compared myself to people in the subway. For instance: Seeing an ugly woman. "That woman is as beautiful as I am sane".

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A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the la...

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven (repost with correct grammar)

They are received in heaven by St Francis who says, "As you can see, there're a lot of ducks on the floor. If you step on one, you will be forced to live with an ugly woman for the rest of eternity." The men agree.


Five minutes later, the first man accidentally steps on a duck, so an ang...

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Nsfw.The hard of hearing genie.

Three people ran into a genie on their way home.
The genie was holding a sign that read he will grant one wish per person, but the he is hard of hearing so wish carefully.
The first wisher, a young man, yelled his wish.
A twelve inch penis.
What he got was a twelve inch pianist.
The s...

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Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideo...

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.

First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *POOF* she vanishes.
Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *POOF* she also disappears.
Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *POOF* s...

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven. When at the gates, God encounters the three and welcomes them.

"Heaven has a lot of good things to offer, but I must warn you about the pink clouds. Don't ever touch them, or something bad will happen."

The three guys enter the gates and go for a walk

Af...

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So a guy walks into a bar for a beer

Sits down and spots a jar full of 20$ notes , he asks the bartender what it was for and the bartender explains that if anyone does the 3 bar challenges , they would get the jar as a reward . So the man asks what the challenges were and the bartender starts explaining ...
1. You have to go knock o...

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A man is lying on the beach

sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."
He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

Ducks [long]

Three men died at the same time and went up to heaven together. They met Saint Peter who gave them one warning before he let them through the pearly gates. “We only have one rule in heaven, don’t step on a duck.”

The three men were slightly confused but thought “how hard could that be?” ...

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Had a weird dream last night.

I had died and met St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and he told me to go to room 101.There I will receive my punishment for all the sins I had committed in my life.I opened the door and to my amazement saw my good friend,Bob,making love to a fat,ugly woman.I shook my head and went back to see St. Peter....

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The corniest dirty joke ever

There are three guys lost in the desert. They have been wandering around for weeks, and are somehow still alive, yet they are on the brink of death. They crawl over a sand dune and all stop, staring into the distance with their mouths agape.

"Do you see that?" the first guy says. "Yup," the o...

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These two guys , Scott and Steve die in a horrible plane crash

As they approach the pearly gates they come upon an able bodied administrator who goes by the name of Peter. This saintly individual welcomes them and says, we are a bit backed up today so we can offer you a visit with some of your fallen comrades while you wait if this pleases you. They quickly ...

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[NSFW] These two guys are stuck in a desert

They try to find some water and food but arent able to find any. Suddenly they come upon this huge house and one of them decides to go and ask for food and water. He rings the bell and this ugly woman with disgusting tits opens the door. So he asks her for rations and.she says he'll have to fuck her...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

So a gentleman walks into a bar...

after a long day of work, and decides to drink his problems away. After awhile he gets pretty drunk and the bartender decides to mess with him a little to have fun. So he asks the man, "hey pal, you wanna make some money?" to which the drunken man replies "of course!". "Ok," the bartender explains, ...

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