UPJOKE

Two Thumbs Jokes

What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

What's got two thumbs and a poor grasp of visual comedy?

This guy!

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and just got fucked?

My weird, deformed hand

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

Guess who has two thumbs...

And a box of other miscellaneous body parts? This guy.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"

"Not this guy!"
-Thumb amputee victim

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

What has two thumbs and got laid last night?

My hands.

My proctologist was very happy with my prostate check results.

Two thumbs up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man named Steve is walking down the street and sees a clown walking towards him.

"Hey look, a clown!" Steve says. "Do you think you could make me laugh?"

The clown says, "Not now, I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Oh come on!" says Steve. "Show me a magic trick you sissy! Make me feel young again!"

Steve won't quit harassing him, so the clown reluctantly agre...

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy starts his new job as a bartender...

Bar owner: 'Ok at 5pm factory workers from next door, who're all deaf/mute btw, fill this place up. It's simple tho. If they give you two thumbs up? They want whiskey. Two thumbs down? Beer. That's all you need to know.'

At 5 they come storming in with thumbs going up & down- whiskey bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.