UPJOKE

Two Brothers Jokes

Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...

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Two brothers are in their room one morning.

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good ...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

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Two brothers

Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say Damn and you say Ass." The younger brother agrees.

Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "...

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

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Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn’t get as many punches his brother landed says, “Step aside bitch”. The elder brother hearing this gets an...

So there’s two brothers…

So there are these two brothers, and they live with their mother. The older brother has this cat that he loves more an anything in the world. One day, the older brother wins a ticket for a free cruise, but alas, no pets allowed. He asks his younger brother to watch the cat for him while he’s away. H...

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

There were two brothers, Bob and Joe.

One day, Bob came home from hunting with a dead bear. Joe said, "WOAH, how did you get that?"

Bob said, "It's quite simple. I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see bear, I shoot bear. Bear stop.



The next day, Bob gets a call from the hospital, telling him that Joe was in an accide...

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

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Two Brothers are running a prostitution house...

Two brothers are running a prostitution house, but they are not making any money. After trying numerous ideas to increase profits, Vadim, the older brother, came up with a plan.

"Why don't we just put a blow up doll in the bed under the covers?"

Igor, his younger brother, replied "That...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

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Two brothers have dinner shortly after Christmas. NSFW

One is incredibly wealthy and the other can barely afford rent. Over dinner, they share stories about their Christmas and what they gifted their respective wives.

The rich brother relays how he bought his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

'Oh wow, why did you get h...

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jea...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

There were two brothers....

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died.
He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years ...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

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A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel....

Did you know there were two brothers who almost made a working airplane a few years before the Wright brothers

Guess they were the wrong brothers

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reach...

Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room.

The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantl...

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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

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Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good sh...

n a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agre...

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brothe...

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Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, “Are these for you?”

The older brother says, “They aren’t for me, they’re for my brother.”

Very confused the pharmacist asks, “But, why does your brother need them?”, and the older brother says, “Well, the lady on the TV said if yo...

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

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[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

Two brothers are sitting in cow paddock...

When one brother turn and says...

Brother 1: "yo bro, I dare you to crawl under that cow!"

Brother 2: "Ok I'll do it, but what's in it for me?"

Brother 1: "Ummm... A big pat on the back?"

Two Brothers and a poetry contest

There were two brothers who were always very competitive. One day they were at a fair together. They approached a stage where they were holding a poetry contest. Poetry was neither of the brothers "thing" but when one brother told the other he could win the whole competition, the battle was on.
...

Two brothers lived together

with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. "I made it safe and sound" he said. "How is everything?"

"Bad" said the second brother. "The cat is dead."
...

Two brothers are talking about life,

Bro 1: Why do you think I ended up with 9 kids and you have none.

Bro 2: That's because I use the safe period.

Bro 1: What's the safe period?

Bro 2: When you're at work.

Two brothers go to Catholic school...

... and they are always getting into trouble. But whenever they get caught in their mischief, the older boy, Frank, says to the younger, Henry, "It'll be ok, as long as we stick together." And even though Henry is much more nervous than Frank, this always gives him the confidence to withstand the la...

Two brothers, one good, one bad, go the Heaven.

John the good brother sees his brother Tom walking with a gorgeous blonde and carrying a jug of whiskey. He runs up to him and asks how he ended up with a jug of whiskey and a gorgeous blonde after a life of debauchery and drunkenness.
John's sad reply was, "the jugs got a hole in it and the b...

Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, ...

What do you call two brothers hanging on your window?

Curt and Rod...

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A tale of two brothers.

One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they're going to be "men" and start cursing in front of people. They're up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it:

8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say "ass" and I say "hell"...

Two brothers in a village

So there were two brothers who lived in a little village with their parents. The older brother had a cat, and what a beautiful cat it was! He loved his cat, absolutely adored it. So one day the older brother's boss told him that he had to go on an assignment to the capital city for the weekend. The ...

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Two brothers, ages four and six, are sitting in their front yard...

The six year old says to his little brother, “hey, tomorrow morning at breakfast... let’s say swear words to mom.” The four year old likes the idea and replies, “yeahhhhhh I like that!”

So the next day at breakfast, mom comes out to the kitchen and asks the boys what they would like for break...

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandma nice birthday gifts.

My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively. I couldn't afford anything other than a talking parrot. However, this could've worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandmo...

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, th...

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Two brothers decide they're old enough to start cursing

So one morning little six year old Johny grabs his little 4 year old brother Jimmy and pulls him into the closet under the stairs.

Johny- "Jimmy, I think it's time we started cursing. I'm going to say, DAMN."

Jimmy - "Yeah yeah yeah, damn! Damn!"

Johny- "No Jimmy you need your ...

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Two brothers hatch a plan before breakfast...

Two brothers, about six and four years old, wake up and start getting ready for the day.

The older brother tells the younger brother: "Today, we are going to learn how to cuss!"

And the younger brother, unsure about the idea says, "Haa, okay! How do we do that??"

The older bro...

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.

“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.

“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin tog...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

Two brothers are discussing the details of their father's funeral

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.

The dim brother insists that he won't. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: "Just make sure dad looks nice for the servi...

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There were these two brothers, always up to no good.

They lived in a small town, where every time something went missing or something was vandalized or any mischief was made - they knew it was these two boys. Their poor mother was at her wit's end. She decided to ask a local preacher to talk to them. He agreed but asked to see them one at a time, the ...

Two brothers were fast alseep when the eldest heard a thud sound.

Eldest: What's that sound?

Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed.

Eldest: T-Shirt? Why was it so loud?

Youngest: Because I was still in it.

Two brothers die at the same time and go to the afterlife...

One brother was sent to hell and the other meets St Peter at the pearly gates.
He tells St Peter he was concerned about his brother and wanted to be sure he was OK.
St Peter grants him a vision.... through the vision he can see his brother and he is living IT UP! He has two girls (one on each ...

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Two Young Brothers Wanted to be Cool

I heard this joke at a jazz concert of all places, but it cracked me up:

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the...

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Two brothers, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old, decide that today is the day they will learn how to swear..

The 6-year-old says, "I'm gonna say the word 'damn,' " and the 5-year-old replies with glee, "I'll say the word 'ass,' " and they giggle and wait for their opportunity. Mother calls for them to come down for breakfast. They run downstairs, into the kitchen, and jump on the stools.

"What woul...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the th...

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.

A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if som...

A young man walks into a pub

A young man walks into a pub every Friday night, orders three pints of beer, and proceeds to drink them slowly over the course of the evening. The curious bartender says, "Why don't you order the pints one after each other? They'll surely taste better that way?"

The guy replies, "Yes, I know...

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

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