UPJOKE

Twenty Minute Jokes

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

It takes a man twenty minutes to walk to the bar from his house...

But walking home from the bar takes him two hours.

The difference is staggering.

I spent twenty minutes trying to remember what the opposite of night was

In the end i had to call it a day

I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning.

Just so it knows how I feel.

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

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I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds.

“Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

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Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

My 6 year old daughter has been complaining about monsters under her bed for ages.

It seemed cute and funny at the beginning but it's been twenty minutes now, and I'm wondering if I should just crawl out already.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”


“No way!”


“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
\-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “**Wait, inside?!**”

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can'...

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts a...

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

“It was terrible,” moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.

“I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.”

“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, “how in the world did you get here at all?”

“Well,” replied the student, “finally after twent...

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What’s wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny’s mother started.
"Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I d...

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Retrieving Sniffer

Police officers Rosa and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa re...

The conversion

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $20."

Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies...

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

A woman hears a noise late at night and sees someone in her shed when she looks out the window

She calls the police and reports a prowler. They say they will send an officer to investigate. Twenty minutes later the police have not shown up and the man is now loading items he is stealing into a van parked in the driveway. She calls the police back and asks where the cops are.

The dispa...

Dog Show Hair Remover

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes." "Errr... it's n...

Smarter

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "...

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A Blonde and her dog...

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it...

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

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Two men are deep in the woods, hunting, when one of them realizes he has to poop.

He turns to the other man, and says "What do I use to wipe myself?" "Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush" the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in shit. His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said "What happened?! I thought I told...

Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes." the golfer responded. ...

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues...

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I got pulled over by a State Trooper

He walked up to the car and said, "Papers."

I replied, "Scissors. I win." and then I drove away.

The motherfucker must want a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last twenty minutes!

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

Hot woman gets on a full bus

There are several guys sitting, and as the bus leaves, none of them offer her a seat. They won't even make eye contact.

After a few seconds, to no-one in particular, she says, "I can't believe how rude men are today. To leave a woman in... my condition, standing on a bus! My grandma would be ...

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A man and his girlfriend were at a restaurant.

The man was in his mid 50s, and his girlfriend had just turned 19. They were minding their own business, when the man from the next table yells "I hope you burn in Hell." The man and his girlfriend are upset, but they ignore the hateful man. Twenty minutes later, another patron walks by the table an...

Someone wrote the word "MONG" in the ice on my windscreen this morning.

It took me twenty minutes to lick it off.

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his head…

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

I went to a restaurant where all the employees are animals.

My waiter was a cow, who asked for my order. I ordered a burger, which came twenty minutes later.

A different waiter came with my burger.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

So dad said he went on a business retreat with the guys for the weekend .

Well I decided to call him and a lady picked-up so I told mum about bit. Boy was she upset!
When Dad returned they got into a very big fight as dad denied ever meeting another woman all weekend. Finally mum told me," tell this cheat what the lady said when you called his line!"
I turned t...

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A man walks into a bar (LONGish?)

And walks straight to the counter to order a drink. Sitting down, he grabs his drink and starts up some casual talk with the bartender. After about five minutes, he pulls out a miniature piano. The bartender is understandably confused. After asking about it, the man replies, “watch this” and proceed...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.<...

My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

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A young man was visiting his girlfriends parents for the first time.

As they ate dinner, he felt the need to pass gas, but he held it in quite a while. As the night wore on, he couldn't stand it, so he tried to let out just a little bit.

"Eeeep!"

The girls mother looks sharply at the dog and says "Spot!"

Twenty minutes go by, and he decid...

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town....

A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town holding a regional religious exchange conference.

However, upon arriving at the very last motel on the edge of town at the same time, the manager says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I only have one room lef...

My girlfriend told me she slept with five people before we met...

I wouldn't normally mind but I was only twenty minutes late.

A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...

After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.

Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."

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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

An eighty-year-old couple is having problems remembering things

So they go to the doctor to get checked out. They describe to the doctor the problems they are each having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. The couple thanks ...

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Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was i...

A penguin is driving his car

When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take ab...

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

There was a man with leprosy

Jim had leprosy which was bad because he had constant sores full of pus. The doctor said he could keep him alive but could do nothing about the sores. Because of this Jim could never wear a shirt as it would be soaked with pus and ruined.
One day Jim's friends decided to take him to a baseball g...

Three Nuns

Three nuns are walking down a street when they get hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck; dead on impact. Now they are waiting at the gate to be let into heaven. They are told they each have to answer one question correctly to be let in. If they answer wrong, they go straight to hell. The first nun ...

Before my tenth birthday, my dad told me I was adpoted

I said, "wow really?"

He responded, "Yup pack your stuff they will be here in about twenty minutes"

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans, so when a couple asked if he wanted to smoke a joint with them after the show, he said sure.On the drive home, he noticed flashing lights behind him and pulled over.The officer came to the window and asked if he'd been drinking. The comedian said he had...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

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The Compassionate Preacher.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received ...

A woman goes into the local pet shop

and asks the owner for a pet that can
do everything. The owner thinks
about it and says,"How about a dog?"

The woman replies,"No, I had a
dog before. He was great but all he
did was eat, sleep, and play fetch.
want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks s...

One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

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An awesome performance

*This is a local joke with a specific humor attached, but i hope someone finds this funny. Also, my english is bad, so apologies for that in advance.*

Once upon a time, there was this small town which somehow had a circus. It was nothing special until one day, when people woke up to advertism...

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

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No one can drink that much beer!

A woman and her husband go into a bar

The husband drink three pitchers in ten minutes.

He goes to the bathroom to empty out his bladder.

While inside a raggedy man comes up to his wife and says "I want to kiss you"

"My husband's in the bathroom! Absolutely not!" She ret...

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A man and his Parrot

A man is looking through a pet store and sees a parrot for dirt cheap, he thinks to himself, "eh, what the hell, I'll buy it." He gets it home and setup in a nice comfy cage and the first thing the bird says "Fuck you chump." the man is aghast but lets it go. A few minutes later the bird is at it...

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A man goes to the countryside to hunt birds.

He spots one, aims and shoots at it. The bullet hits the bird and it falls down somewhere in the distance.
The man immediately sets off, but when he gets to the spot at which the bird fell he notices the place is a ranch - and the farmer who owns it is holding his bird. "That's my bird" the man ...

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