UPJOKE

Three Year Jokes

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"

Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"

Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"

Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I took the plunge three years ago, and had a vasectomy done.

Mainly because I didn't want any kids at all. However, when I got home after the operation, they were still there..

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

The Haunted mansion opened three years after Walt Disney died.

It's what Walt would have haunted

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. When we separated after three years, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

Three years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer...

...but apparently no one will do it!

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

Waking up after three years in a coma, a man decided to run in a marathon.

He didn’t win, but he still got atrophy.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

I think I’ve been doing Motown jokes for about three years,

Maybe four tops...

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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! <...

A man was walking with his three year old daughter.

As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.

'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'

"And what's Beth short for?'

'She's only three.'

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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A mother is bathing her three year old son

A mother is bathing her three year old son. The son points at his testicles and asks "Mom, is this my brain".

His mother replies "No, but it soon will be."

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I’ve been in a cult for three years

I finally unsubbed from r/politics

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For three years I battled in opposition territory.

Although the police prefer to call it "masturbating in the women's restroom".

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years and finally decided to pop the question. I gave her the ring

She gave me the finger

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

My grandmother is an amazing woman. Ninety three years old and she doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Having not had sex for over three years, I decided to visit a prostitute.

"How much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"That depends." She replied. "How much have you got?"

"About a Gallon and a half, probably."

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

I've been dating a horse girl for three years now

It's been a stable relationship

I came up with this when I was three years old.

What do you call an egg that's scared?

A chicken egg.

Two Words Every Three Years

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two w...

A joke from my three year old.

My wife removes the jacket from a book of my son's.

My three year old son yells out, "Don't take the jacket off."

My wife asks, "Why not?"

My son says, "Because the book will get cold."

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

Playing hide and seek with my three year old son is easy.

It’s been 15 years and he still hasn’t found me!

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

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I'm about three years into my relationship now...

...and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.

I hate when people ask me what I'm doing in the next three years.

Do I look like I have 2020 vision.

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Nate is three years old, and taking a shower with his parents...

"Mommy, what are those hanging on your chest?" He asks, looking up at his mother's breasts.

"Why, those are Mommy's doorbells hun." She gives Daddy a wink.

"And what's that called again?" Nate points between his Mommy's legs.

"That's Mommy's front door."

Nate turns around...

I’ve spent the last three years searching for my ex-girlfriend’s killer

unfortunately, no one is willing to do it.

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I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool.

Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

My girlfriend likes to roleplay

For the past three years she's been playing my ex-girl.

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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a ...

I have known my girlfriend, Edith, for three years now and today I finally bought her a gold ring for our anniversary.

Edith: wow thank you, that is my first gold!

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said “We’ve been living together for three years now and you still haven’t popped the question”

“Good point, when are you moving out?” I asked.

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

In my freshman year of college...

I lived in a dorm with other students. The guys were on the top floor and the girls were on the bottom floor. Unfortunately, the dorms were quite run down, and some mice began to infiltrate the girls' rooms. The girls set up traps to catch the mice, but they were not keen on throwing out the capture...

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

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Funniest short joke

A three year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked. "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet!" she replied.

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

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