UPJOKE

Thousand Year Jokes

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export…

…And import.

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a ...

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."

Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

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Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see
the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third
room. It has an really old guy chained to the
wall getting...

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Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the a...

Three friends are stranded on a small island

After a few weeks with no hope of rescue, they come across a lamp in the sand. They pick it up, and poof! out comes a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand years of imprisonment. I will now grant each of you a wish," says the genie.

The first guy says, "Well, I have a wif...

Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired

He had been a busy deity lately.

Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.

“Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"

“Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."

“Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went ...

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

...

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A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called "Vermeer" has a construction supply shop

Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text "for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer."

Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it.

So the f...

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

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The third Reich

Why was Hitler’s Thousand Year Reich going to be the last one?

Because everyone knows three Reichs and your out.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. ...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”

The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! De...

A young couple are enjoying a round of golf when the wife slices a shot off the tee

The ball smashes through a window of a house at the edge of the course.

The husband says "we'd better go and apologise"

As they approach the house, the front door is open so they call out. A voice responds "hello" from upstairs.

They head upstairs where they find a man sitting o...

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Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead...

Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead.

The devil goes up to these guys and says - listen, I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to let each of you choose ONE thing and I'll lock you away in a room for a thousand years with it. The guys all look at each other in disbelief, ...

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A Jewish man and a Chinese man were chatting.

The Jewish man commented on what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes, our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man couldn't believe it. "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did y...

Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.

Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."

Jesus: "Why?"

Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"

Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"

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Moses and Jesus fishing...

One day Moses and Jesus were fishing, catching a ton of fish they were getting a little bored. Moses says to Jesus "Wanna make a bet?" since Jesus is always down for a bet, he couldnt refuse. Moses says "Its been five thousand years since my last miracle, I bet you I could still pull it off" So he w...

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

Yet another damn genie joke

A man is walking on the beach in California when he trips over a lamp in the sand. A genie emerges and says, "You've freed me after being in that lamp for a thousand years! In gratitude, I will give you one wish."

The man thinks for a bit and says, "You know, I'd like to visit Hawaii, but I'm...

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise ...

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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A very religious man had been getting high phone bills for a while

One month his bill was 2 times his normal amount.

The next, it was 3x

On the fourth month, he got home to an unusual scenery: his parrot was on the phone talking about sex with someone.

The man becomes livid with the situation, and checks the bills only to find out that his pa...

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