UPJOKE

This Week Jokes

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

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I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could ...

The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.

He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.

my grief counsellor died this week

but luckily he was so good I didn't give a sh*t

This week's Powerball is at $1.4 billion.

Or 2.5 Twitters.

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

I banged my third cousin this week

My brother said I should stop counting

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

Did you know that this week is National Diarrohea Week?

It runs from today until Friday

I started a new exercise routine this week

I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening

My favourites are Doritos cheese supreme and Lays original

I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic.

I've already started transmissioning...

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

Every morning this week my girlfriend and I have been getting all hot and sweaty in the shower.

Cold handle's broken. Plumber'll be here Tuesday.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

Running a special this week.....

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little b...

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

Why was Emmanuel Macron happy this week?

Because he found out Elizabeth II was now single...

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.

On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said “I’m worried about what’s going on with you”.

What’s weirder is they think my name is “Crane”.

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Hey, this week is going to be Hitler week on the History Channel!

Just like every fucking week.

Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale

My sensei couldn't make training this week. Luckily, I had a back up plan.

Sense B.

What is the #1 drink in Washington, DC this week?

A Peach Mint Julep

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

I finally got my haircut this week!

There were so many people waiting, I may as well have brought some steak and ribs...it was a barber queue!

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

My wife just said I’m not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it’s because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

Adopted two dogs this week, named them Rolex & Timex

They’re gonna be my watch dogs

If you see my wife talking to herself this week

Mind your own business. She’s having a parent teacher conference.

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

I wanted to go to china this week

But I think it’s better to let it die down a bit

Did you hear what is coming to r/jokes later this week?

Yes, I already reddit.

This week I got divorced.

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lun...

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I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

My friend died of Heartburn this week

I can't believe Gaviscon

Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

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The teacher is going over the vocabulary words for this week

The teacher is going over vocab words in class. She asks if anyone can use urinate in a sentence.

Little Timmy raises his hand and she calls on him.

>”Tommy says urinate but I fold him that’s asinine”

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

This weeks hypochondriac meeting has been cancelled

due to sickness

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This week I get to take part in the international long distance masterbation championship,

Oh, how far I've come.

The creator of the hokey pokey died this week.

It was tough for his friends and family. It was especially tough when laying his body in the coffin. They put his left arm in...

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

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Started my new job at the samaritans this week.

Tried to ring in sick but some bastard tried to talk me out of it.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

I got a new job as a lumber jack this week. . .

The guy who interviewed me asked if I had, any experience?

I said I used to work out in the Sahara Forrest.

He said, "don't you mean the Sahara desert?"

well that's what they call it now, I said.

Feel free to live it up a little while trapped inside this week.

What happens in quarantine stays in quarantine.

I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

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Im a homophobe, and my best friend came out to me this week...

And I'm afraid I'll be giving him the shaft no matter how I choose to handle it.

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Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class.

I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher.

There's been a series of senseless killings near my home this week.

The victims were all deaf, dumb or blind

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

It's been raining so hard this week I think I need an Ark

It's OK, I Noah guy

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I have had sex with so many other men this week

I can't keep em all straight

The founder of strepsils died this week

There will be no coffin at the funeral

So 4chan hosted its very first live meetup this week...

I just don't know why they chose Charlottesville as the location.

Must have been watching too much TV this week::

My dreams have commercial breaks now...

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.

The pilot was sick.

My girlfriend asked me for the third time this week if I was cheating on her ...

Nowadays, she has starting to sound like my wife...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

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Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

Looks like we set back the clock twice this week...

First on Sunday, then on election night.

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

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I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards...

Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket

They put the left leg in....

And then the trouble started

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

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