Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

I banged my third cousin this week

My brother said I should stop counting

Britain checkmated the world this week with..

Queen to G7

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning this week. After a couple of days I decided it was time to update my pronouns.

Her/She/Squirts

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.



There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they sudde...

Why was Emmanuel Macron happy this week?

Because he found out Elizabeth II was now single...

Top joke in my second grade class this week: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

What is the #1 drink in Washington, DC this week?

A Peach Mint Julep

My girlfriend’s dad loves to challenge me to games, but he likes to feel out my skill level first. This week, he asked, “so how are you at Battleship?”

“Hit or miss.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were finally able to go back to the office this week. But when we got there, we found that someone had switched around the elevator buttons!

It was wrong on so many levels.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

Did you hear what is coming to r/jokes later this week?

Yes, I already reddit.

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, this week is going to be Hitler week on the History Channel!

Just like every fucking week.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

I lost 10 pounds this week

I've gotta fix that hole in my pocket.

Adopted two dogs this week, named them Rolex & Timex

They’re gonna be my watch dogs

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

If you see my wife talking to herself this week

Mind your own business. She’s having a parent teacher conference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher is going over the vocabulary words for this week

The teacher is going over vocab words in class. She asks if anyone can use urinate in a sentence.

Little Timmy raises his hand and she calls on him.

>”Tommy says urinate but I fold him that’s asinine”

All your prayers will be answered this week.

>!The answer will still be no.!<

I got a new job as a lumber jack this week. . .

The guy who interviewed me asked if I had, any experience?

I said I used to work out in the Sahara Forrest.

He said, "don't you mean the Sahara desert?"

well that's what they call it now, I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

Feel free to live it up a little while trapped inside this week.

What happens in quarantine stays in quarantine.

If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class.

I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im a homophobe, and my best friend came out to me this week...

And I'm afraid I'll be giving him the shaft no matter how I choose to handle it.

I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

I wanted to go to china this week

But I think it’s better to let it die down a bit

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

Well... let's see how many problems I have for this week...

1...3...5...7...9...11... 23

"Why are you counting like that?"

Because I can't even

Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale

Did you know that this week is National Diarrhea Week?

It runs from today until the end Friday...

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

The creator of the hokey pokey died this week.

It was tough for his friends and family. It was especially tough when laying his body in the coffin. They put his left arm in...

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

My friend died of Heartburn this week

I can't believe Gaviscon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbors have been keeping me awake by having loud, passionate sex every night this week.

Hopefully they get married soon.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

My girlfriend asked me for the third time this week if I was cheating on her ...

Nowadays, she has starting to sound like my wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Started my new job at the samaritans this week.

Tried to ring in sick but some bastard tried to talk me out of it.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

What do Midwesterners have in common with Whistleblowers this week?

They’re both Snowden.

There's been a series of senseless killings near my home this week.

The victims were all deaf, dumb or blind

Running a special this week.....

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every morning this week I've woken up to find a German shepherd having a shit in my garden.

Today, the cheeky bastards brought his dog.

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

It's been raining so hard this week I think I need an Ark

It's OK, I Noah guy

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars

V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

This week I got divorced.

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lun...

I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls are so shallow nowadays. Every single one of my dates this week has forgotten my name.

They always call me Help whenever we have sex after the date. Like... who the fuck is Mr. Help?

Did you hear there's a 50% discount at the crematorium this week?

They're having a fire sale.

At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.

He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though Preparation H felt good on the hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

A man strikes up a conversation with another gentleman who is older he tells him its going to be his 50th wedding anniversary this week

the young man replies wow, that's amazing. tell me what's your secret.
the older gentleman replies well ill tell you, it all started back when we were on our honeymoon. we were at the grand canyon and going to take a mule ride down into the valley. we saddled up and my wife tried to get on the m...

My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week:

That sounds like a personnel problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have had sex with so many other men this week

I can't keep em all straight

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man!

I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

So 4chan hosted its very first live meetup this week...

I just don't know why they chose Charlottesville as the location.

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun

To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.

The bengals went into the steelers game this week with high hopes for the postseason..

Now they're far from Burfect.

Must have been watching too much TV this week::

My dreams have commercial breaks now...

The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.

The pilot was sick.

Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket

They put the left leg in....

And then the trouble started

The local flasher in my area was going to retire this week

but he's changed his mind and is going to stick it out till Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

This week on pawn stars, a man sells a $100 bill...

"I'm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop"

"Hi i have a $100 dollar bill that is like to sell"

"hmm i've seen these and i know that the value can vary let me get an expert friend to look at it"

"oh yeah this is a 2016 print $100 bill, it's in fair condition so i'd say it's wor...

The founder of strepsils died this week

There will be no coffin at the funeral

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards...

Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.

This week President Obama became the first president to get a life-size 3D-printed portrait done.

It looked so real that Joe Biden argued with it for 20 minutes that Peeta is better than Gale.

Biden then realized his mistake, . . . and admitted Gale is the clear choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday...

They met one week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sisters, I'll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?"

Miss Bertha piped up, "I Shall Not Be Moved!"

They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, "Brothers and sister...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Cold war joke.

There's a sale on panties at the New York Macy's store
An American woman goes to the checkout with 7 panties.
Cashier:" Only 7? They're on sale this week.
The woman replies,"No Thanks,7 is all. One for every day of the week."
Next in line is a woman from France with 5 panties.
Cashier...

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.