UPJOKE

This Guy Jokes

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So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere

That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."
...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

This guy Joe goes to pick up his fiancĂŠ for a date in a brand new Porsche.

His fiancé is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy.

She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“

Joe says, “It was in my garage.“

She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“

Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.”

She says, “That’s ridiculous!...

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So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

There was this guy who found an ancient book.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.


Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see i...

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So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the ...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:

I’m exercising my demons.

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

So this guy goes to this fancy French restaurant and orders a bowl of soup.

The waiter brings it over to his table, and the guy starts eating. But after a minute or so, the guy discovers that there is a fly in the soup. Disgusted, he calls the waiter over and informs him of the problem.

The waiter leans down and studies the soup for awhile, then reaches for his cell...

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So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

This guy kept trying to steal my oak bumblebee sculptures...

but I finally caught the would-be thief.

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This guy's trying to become a great songwriter,

... wants to be an artist and all, but he needs money so he does a porno film soundtrack but only if the film is not too nasty bad. The guys tell him it's mild adult stuff, so he does it.
So when the film comes out, he decides to go see how his music works with the film. Pretty soon a guy and gir...

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

This guy walks into a bar

This guy walks into a bar and notices there's slabs of meat all over the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks why there's meat everywhere.

The bartender responds "it's part of our new promotion. If you manage to touch the slabs, your drinks are free all night. If you fail, it's $20 p...

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This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I g...

This guy walks into a bar...

...bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. The place is mostly empty, just him at the bar, and he's been there a short while when in walks a gorgeous brunette. She looks around, not seeing him and then marches straight to the back of the joint and sits down at a corner table in the back with a cru...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

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This guy goes to Vegas

The first night he meets this gorgeous hooker
And asks “how much for a handjob?”

$250 - wow that’s too much … The hooker says see that small shopping mall across the street ? I own it…
The guy was impressed and agreed and she gives him the best handjob he’s ever had…

The next nig...

I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

This guy is walking by a graveyard

He hears a guy moaning…

Why did you die?
Why did you die?

Why did you Die?????


The guy was disturbed and ran over?

I have to ask are you mourning a spouse ?

How about a child?


The man responded : no nothing like that.

Why did you die??? <...

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So, this guy works at a pickle factory...

...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts hi...

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So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

This guy was finishing his dinner at a restaurant...

...and the waiter said "How did you find your steak sir?" The guy said "By accident. I moved my baked potato and there it was."

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So this guy dies and goes to heaven

So, this guy dies and goes to heaven.

He meets Saint Peter at the gates, he says, 'Yeah, we've been expecting you, sit in the waiting area."

The guy sits down, there's a waiting room with a closed door. He sits down next to someone, when he hears a drill behind the door. The guy asks t...

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.

I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”

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This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.

Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 buck...

This guy has a girlfriend who's 7 ft 4 in tall

He loves going up on her.

There was this guy on the road

There was this guy on the road who was found painted grey with a white push bike symbol painted on. He said he lays down on roads to camouflage himself waiting for people to ride their bikes over him because he enjoyed the feeling.

This guy was a real cycle path.

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anyth...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

This guy just threw milk on me!

How dairy....

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This guy is driving through Texas.

He sees a farmhouse and knocks on the door. The farmer answers and the guy explains, "I've been on the road for a week and I think I’m lost. I haven’t had a decent meal or a decent night's sleep the whole time. Would it be too much trouble to help me out just for this one night?"

The farmer l...

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This guy sat next to me in the bar.

"Lonely bastard," he muttered.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You look like one lonely bastard," he added.

After a few minutes silence I said, "Lonely, huh?" I nodded to the other side of the room. "That's my girlfriend's over there."

"She's a looker, ain't she?"

"Sure is, she's...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

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So this guy goes to the Dr.

And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."

the guy says "Why?"

And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Why couldn't this guy stop humping a bell?

Because it was A-dick-ting

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This guy right here is a trisexual

He'll try anything three times.


*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*

This guy said: "The discoloration on your arm looks like vomit."

Sick burn.

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pa...

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This guy's balls are unbelievably attractive

It's pretty nuts

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

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So there is this guy named Jack...

There’s a guy named Jack. He has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack is hopelessly in love with Wendy, and decides to ask her to marry him. To prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of loyalty. When he’s erect, his penis shows her name, and when it’s li...

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?">
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy ...

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So, this guy starts a new job

and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell ...

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

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This guy just messaged me.

He said he wanted to meet me in the woods to compare cocks.


I thought what a Fucking weirdo.


He never showed up!

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

This guy on the train called me a racist!

I dont even see how although. I mean I am a white guy. I mean white people can't be racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for minorities

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This guy is stuck on a desert island

After being there for a while, he begins to get lonely and starts to think about his girlfriend back home. The only other animal on this island is a goat. A very sexy goat, mind you. Anyway, as time passes he begins to think more and more about fucking this goat. Eventually, one day he decides, ...

So this guy tried convincing me he was a ghost.

But i saw right through him.

So, this guy walks into a bar.

And says, "ouch".

This guy thought I was staring at him in the pub.

He walked up to me, chest out, and said, "Have you got a problem, pal?"

"Absolutely," I replied. "What's 60 plus 13 divided by 4?"

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

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This guy goes to a barber shop......

Half way through his haircut the barber suddenly walks to a corner in the shop, unzips his fly and takes a piss on the floor. He then nonchalantly returns and continues with the haircut. After a few awkward minutes, the customer couldn't help but ask the barber why he took a piss on the shop's flo...

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this guy from over the road......

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman...

So this guy is watching the piano player at the bar

Suddenly the piano opens and a clown climbs out. The guy is amazed, but the piano player just plays on as if nothing happened. The guy rubs his eyes and decides to slow down a bit, and orders a glass of water. But ten minutes later another clown climbs out, and then one more, and the piano player...

So this guy loses all his money in Vegas...

...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc...


Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!''
He ends up walking 5 mi...

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So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

This guy out there asking the real questions

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught...

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So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

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This guy has a horrible wife.

She screams at him, hits him sometimes, and his life becomes miserable. The problem is that he’s a Roman Catholic, and he can’t divorce her. He’s sitting in a bar one night telling his friend his problem, and his friend says ”Why don’t you have her killed?”
The guy says “I don’t know anyone who d...

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.



He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Winner takes a...

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

So this guy races home...

He runs in the house yelling to his wife, “Honey! I won the lottery. Pack your bags. I won the lottery.”

His wife asks “Should I pack for the beach or a cruise?”

He responds “I don’t care. Just get out!”

This guy is walking down the street with his best friend and sees a Golden Retriever licking its balls…

He says… “What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that!”

He friend said if I was you, I’d pet him first!

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

Two cannibals are eating this guy....

One of them ask, "So, you having fun?". The other one says "Yeah. I'm having a ball."

"I heard you slept with my woman," said this guy in the pub.

"You've got the wrong person," I replied.

"So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, I did." I added. "I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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So this guy comes into a gunstore and wants to buy a rifle scope.

The Owner hands him one saying "This is a very good one. Look out the window: Right up on top of that hill you can see my house."
The man looks through and starts laughing.
"What is it?" the Owner.
"It really is a good scope, I can see two people making love through one of the windows!"
...

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

This guy's wife gets a cat...

This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife lea...

So This Guy is Trying to Explain...

This guy is trying to explain to me how to get clean water out of the ground.
He is confused about what it is called.
... But I know he means well.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

This guy said I needed thicker skin.

So I got a huge tattoo of Paris Hilton.

I was at a party when this guy came in and said "I'm a builder!"

I thought, 'he knows how to make an enterance'. But it turns out he was just putting up a facade.

This guy's an English teacher, and he still can't think of a synonym for 'market'!

It's bazaar.

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A man goes into a street of Moscow and yells: "I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader".

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him. Later he brings the man to Stalin. The soldier explained to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man: "Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the street?" The man says: "I was thinking about Hitler of course". Stalin lets the man go but st...

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