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bird

The Bird Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

What’s the bird that symbolizes…

What’s the bird that symbolizes peace?

The Dove.

What’s the bird that symbolizes death?

The Raven.

What’s the bird that symbolizes True Love?

The Swallow.

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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

The farmer and the bird

2 farmers were on other sides of one fence. 1 former shot down a bird and it landed on the other farmers side. The first farmer goes up to the second and says “this is my bird, I killed it so I should get it” the second farmer says “no it landed on my property it’s legally mine” the first farmer res...

Learning the birds and bees

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.

"A boy puts his peepee in a girls mouth, and a baby is made."

"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

Have you guys heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees

And he told me about my wife and the butcher!

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

Why was the bird so bad at picking up chicks?

Because he had a small pecker

What did the bird say when it flew over the 2 THRIFTY people?

CHEEP CHEEP!!!

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

The Chomp Bird

A man wants to get his wife a unique gift, so he goes to an exotic pet store, and asks the owner, "What's the rarest thing you have in here?" After showing him large snakes, colorful lizards, and strange rodents, the man still seems unimpressed. "Got anything rarer than these?" The man asked.
...

I remember my uncle giving me my first talk about the birds & the bees.

He said - "Bees make honey & birds lay eggs.

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

I finally sat down with my teenage daughter and had a chat about "The Birds and the Bees."

I learned a lot.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird??

She threw it off a cliff.

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What did the bird say when he was surprised

Well Owl be damned

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One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a shit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a shit in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.

He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bi...

Did you hear about the bird collector who didn't buy enough soda for his party?

His guests were disappointed that he only had Toucans

Did you hear about the bird that joined a reggae band?

'e was flappin' de bass mon

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

Why did the bird go to the clinic?

To get a tweetment

What did the disgruntled birdwatcher say to the employee of the bird sanctuary?

I’d like to speak to your Tanager.

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

Why did the bird get an F on the exam?

He was winging it

Why did Little Johnny go to the bird sanctuary?

He was in a fowl mood.

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and one requires Oinkment.

Why was the bird wearing a wig?

Because it was a bald eagle!

How did the birds escape the coronavirus quarantine?

They flu

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

Why couldn't the little bird get into the birdhouse?

...the door wouldn't budgie!

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

Grandma and the Bird

I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!" She said, "Well, he should have said something."

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The bird who sought a purpose

Apologies if a joke like this was already submitted, I just discovered this wonderful subreddit and I'd like to chip in :)

A bird had long traveled the country side. He was never content with his meager life, and sought a purpose. One day, the bird came upon quite a sight! A massive clearing ...

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Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

Why did the birds want a snack?

They were feeling a bit peckish.

I asked my father where babies come from. He said son, someday I will tell you about the birds and the bees.

One day I saw a bird eat a bee and never asked again

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.

What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...

untweetable.

The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...

The crunch bird

There was a new petshop in town. Jimmy went inside to give it a look, when he saw a colourful and pretty bird.

The shopkeeper said, “m’boy, that’s a crunch bird, and a rare breed at that! Would ya want to buy it?”

Jimmy was intrigued. “What’s a crunch bird?” He asked. “Well” replies ...

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What did the bird watching sex addict see yesterday?

1 pecker 2 swallow, and 2 boobies.

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