Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two-tired.

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Do you know why flamingos stand on one leg?

Because if they raise the other leg too, they fall

Two potatoes stand on the street corner. How do you tell which one's the hooker?

It's the one with the sticker that says Idaho!

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small pla...

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam stand on the side of the road holding signs saying “the end is near”.

A truck drives by and the driver shouts “you dumb religious wackos”, makes the turn and drives off the cliff. The rabbi turns to the priest and imam and says “you think we should change our signs?”

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

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Guy walks into a bar and bets the owner $500 that he can stand on one end and piss without getting any on the bar.

The owner takes the bet because the bar is about fifty feet long. So the guy whips it out and sure enough he only pisses about 4 feet all over the bar. The owner laughs as he collects his money and cleans up the bar. He asks the guy who pissed why he seems so happy.

The guy says: “You see tha...

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

When my undies are on the floor, my dog likes to stand on them. He quickly takes off, though...

after brief-paws.

Two fleas walk out of a bar late one night and stand on the sidewalk.

One turns to the other and says, "Eddie, you want to walk, or take a dog?

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?

They’re two-tired.

Ever wonder how cows are able to stand on such steep hills?

They have strong calves.

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HAR...

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

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A couple having sex asked their son to stand on the balcony....

A couple having sex in the bedroom asked their son to stand on the balcony to keep him occupied and keep telling them what's going on outside.

Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing and Michael is fucking his wife.

Dad: What? Is he doing it openly?

Son: No, I haven't see...

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?

because they dont have mosquiTOES.

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

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A man is selling berries from a stand on the street.

One day, a woman walks up to the stand and asks the vendor, "Do you have tomatoes?"

"I'm sorry miss, but I only carry berries. I have these delisious blueberries picked fresh from the bush just this morning. Would you like to try some?" The vendor asked.

"Oh, no thanks" the woman repl...

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Two prostitues stand on a corner

The first one says

"tonight is going to be a great night, I can smell the cock in the air!"

The second one turns to her and says

"Sorry I just burped"

My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years.

Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down.

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