UPJOKE

So Cheap Jokes

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

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Why are prostitutes so cheap?

They have a hole sale business!

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

yo mama so cheap

She tried to bargain with a vending machine

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

Why are compounds so cheap?

Because they are free of charge.


Thought of this one while in chem class

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so a guy walks into a pet store and sees a parrot for $50 Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he's so cheap?"

"Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs."

A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"

The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll tak...

My dad is so cheap.

He scolded me for running home behind the bus once, and saving the *fare. He said I should have run behind a taxi, and saved a lot more.

Why is French body armour so cheap?

They only need it for their back

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

Ever wondered why toilet paper is so cheap in Mexico?

If so, chances are you haven't had Mexican food before.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses?

Because they're a diamond dozen

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A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

Canadian Humor

A couple moves from Vancouver to Newfoundland. The wife has a wooden leg and needs it insured in her new location so they go to a local insurance agent who quotes them $39 (sorry I know it should be Canadian dollars). They are astounded as it cost almost 2,000 in Vancouver and inquires why so cheap ...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

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A Muslim, a Mexican, and a Redneck are sitting in a bar

The Mexican finishes his drink, throws his glass up in the air and shoots it. He then looks at the bartender and says "glass is so cheap in my country you don't have to drink from them twice."

The Muslim, impressed throws his glass into the air, pulls out an AK-47 and lays in to the glass sha...

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for something amazing but also cheap

The owner says that he has a talking fox for only £20. The man says "How rediculous, foxes can't talk and even if they could why would you sell him so cheap?!". While he's asking this a fox comes over, puts his paw on the desk as if to interrupt and says "Actually I can talk. I've written 3 books an...

One day 3 immigrants

One day 3 immigrants were sitting in a bar: A Syrian, an Afghan and a Turkish

The Syrian finishes his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. As pieces of glass are raining on them he says "In Syria glasses were so cheap that we never drank from the same glass twice"
...

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

While perusing the wares of a pet shop, a woman sees a Parrot priced at only $20...

She walks up to the store owner and asks him why the parrot is so cheap. He tells her that the bird came from a local brothel that recently closed shop for good, and it picked up a lot of bad language and lingo from its time there.

The woman thinks nothing of it and doesn't want to pass on su...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decid...

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

An Arab a Mexican and a redneck walk into a bar and all three order a shot.

The Arab drinks all his and throws the glass into the air shooting it with his AK 47 saying "We have so much sand in the desert. We don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."

The Mexican intrigued by this does the same with his AK 47 shouting "Glass is so cheap in Mexico that we don't ...

A man was browsing Craigslist one day...

...when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. "It's a prank," he thinks. "Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/'toy Yoda' thing." Still, he's not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.

He drives out to the address in the...

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot...

All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to ...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

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A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ...

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Vladamir Putin, Hitler , and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next up, Hitler ca...

How does a SQL expert get a date?

getDate()


^(I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)

A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some

She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do

She goes up the huge ...

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

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