UPJOKE

Six Hour Jokes

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

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I just had an orgasm that lasted six hours

It’s been a long time coming

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What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

He’s old enough to live by himself now.

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

A speaker has been a speech for six hours...

Finally, already feeling tired, he says:

"Excuse me, friends, perhaps I talked too extensively. Sadly I don't have a clock with me."

A voice from the hall replies: "No problem. There's a calendar hanging behind you."

What do you call a mobster who’s been dead six hours?

Rigatoni.

Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt

It was a complete waist of time

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

Guy hears his grand kids are coming for the first time. He gets all the parts and gear, spent six hours child-proofing his home.

They still got in.

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During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and ti...

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

I asked Alexa what women want

This thing has been talking for six hours.

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them.

I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

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Two men go for a hike. (Long)

A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. ...

A conversation between God and Moses at the top of Mt. Sinai.....

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignora...

A blonde and a businessman are flying...

A blonde and a businessman are flying... the pilot says over the speaker that they've lost an engine, but they should be just fine, flying on three engines. However, it will take an extra hour to get where they're going.

After a little while, there's some rumbling, and the pilot says over ...

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Let the Trucker Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep a...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

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Did you hear about the parents that auctioned off the right to name their firstborn child?

They were expecting after trying to get pregnant for a long time. But when they tried to discuss what they should name the child, it was causing all kinds of arguments. They just couldn’t come to an agreement and there was a lot of tension between them. It got to the point where the wife was staying...

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An elderly couple went for a ride.

A an elderly couple went out of town to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. They rented a car and drove out of state.

After six hours of long driving, they both got frisky. The wife groped her man's crotch and started giving him a blowjob. The man was so happy since he only receives blo...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

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