UPJOKE

Sigh Of Relief Jokes

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

And the world breathed a big sigh of relief...

The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...

...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

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Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds...

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A man is peeing at a urinal…

When he hears someone smash the bathroom door open.

A huge man steps into the bathroom and growls like a maniac. The dude takes out his penis and it’s a monster! This beast of a man swings his penis like a bat and slams it into a stall door. The door explodes!

The man at the ...

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game.

When I was a kid in school our teacher gave us a spelling game. We would draw a letter out of a box, think of a word, spell it then put it into a sentence. She went around the class and started to get really nervous. Then she came to the last kid, Johnny we'll call him, and she was positively petrif...

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Marry a virgin?

It's their wedding night and a redneck couple are getting ready to have sex for the first time. As the bride is getting ready in the bathroom she tells her husband Bobby Joe to take it "easy on her, on accounts that she is a virgin and all". "BAM!!" as she hears the door on the trailer slam then w...

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

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Several nuns are renovating an old church.

It's the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it's very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.

“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It's so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. "It's only us i...

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After a stormy night...

... next to a small fishing village, a corpse is found on the shore.

Since most men are out fishing, and are expected not to return for a week, the authorities try to identify the dead body. To complicate things, the only part of the body that's not ruined from the exposure to the elements, ...

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Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

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A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. ...

Jesus is watching you.

=

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is wat...

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John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

So a doctor walks into the room

So a doctor walks into the room and tells his patient "Alright, so I've got some bad news"

The patient says "Aw geez, I'm not getting anything named after me am I?"

"No, no," the doctor says, "you're not getting anything named after yourself," and the patient breathes a sigh of relief....

"Jesus is watching you!"

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,

*"Jesus is watching you!"*

Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it...

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

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Two nuns are remodeling a new complex for the blind.

They are painting and get really hot and decide to take off their habits. A little bit later due to the heat they decide to just get completely naked and paint. Later that afternoon there is a knock on the door, in a panic the nuns ask "who is it?" Man replies "blind guy". They breath a sigh of re...

A man buys a horse from an old pastor.

The pastor explains to the man that in order to make the horse go, he must say "Thank God," and to make him stop, he must say "Amen." The man nods in understanding.

He gets on the horse, readies himself, takes a deep breath, and says, "Thank God!"

Immediately, the horse takes off like ...

3 guys camping in the woods

There were 3 guys camping in the woods.

They were talking, andeventually they end up talking about their significant others back home.

The first guy said his girlfriend is happy with him because she always tells him he's hung like a bull.

The second guy laughed and said that's n...

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn’t turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say “I can see you! And Jesus can see you too!” The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say “I can see you! And Jesus can see yo...

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Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

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A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Dinner

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. S...

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, l...

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

An older man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor performs all of the routine tests — physical, cognitive, blood, urinalysis, etc. — and he tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

A week later the man returns to the doctor’s office. The doctor addresses him with a stern look on his face and says, “Unfortunately, I h...

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

An old man in Louisiana had owned a farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back, perfectly suited for swimming. He fixed up the pond nicely, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the ole farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. Before he went, he...

Three brothers are on a boat.

Their names are Crazy, Nobody and Nothing. Nobody suddenly trips and falls in the water, and Nothing tells Crazy to call the police.

Crazy calls the police and says:

"Hi, I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing because Nobody fell in the water."


The police respond: "Okay, if you'...

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

He's Watching!

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he walks through the living room, he is startled when he hears this. "I see you. And so does Jesus!" The burglar is perplexed and looks around with his flashlight but sees nothing. He starts to walk and takes two steps and hears again, "I see you. And...

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of ...

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Three Tourists get stranded on an Island

Not long after, they are captured by a local tribe, and brought before the Chief.

"We do not take kindly to trespassers. You must pass a test, and if you fail, we'll throw you back into the Ocean! Go into the jungle, and bring me back a fruit!"

The three head out. The German assumes th...

Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing. So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay...

Vermont Winters

Government surveyors knocked on the door of a man who lived in Vermont near the border between Vermont and New Hampshire and asked if they could enter his land to survey the border. He said no problem.
They came back later that day and said "Sir, we've got some interesting news. You don't live i...

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

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Relax silly!

After having sex with the woman he met, the man sat up against the bed board and started to examine the room. He quickly noticed a picture of an adult male on the beside table.

"Um... Excuse me lady who the hell is that? you didn't tell me you had a husband!" The man yelled

The lady ga...

Little Johnny at it again...

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny ...

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

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So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

An atheist was...

..walking through the forest, admiring the beauty of nature when suddenly, a feral bear came out of nowhere. He ran away and the bear chased him into a corner. Just before the bear could attack him, the atheist yelled "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!". Time stopped, the heavens opened and a voice came from...

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The kindergarten teacher would never call on little Timmy in class...

One day the teacher said, " I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet, and you raise you hand and tell me a word that starts with that letter." The class looked very excited, but not as much as little Timmy. "A", said the teacher. Little Timmy jumped out of his chair waving his hand in the air. The...

Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luc...

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The Amazon

Three guys were on vacation in the Amazon, when they became separated from their tour group. After stumbling through the forest for hours, they finally stumbled upon an indigenous tribe, all of whom were naked, and statues of penises everywhere. Hoping that they may care for or help them find help, ...

The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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