UPJOKE

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

β€œI bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

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An American, a British and a French woman were asked what they would do if they ended up on an island with five sex starved men.

The American woman answered, β€˜I would try to find somewhere to hide. Then I would try to send some kind of a signal to a passing ship, so they could come and rescue me.’
The British woman answered, β€˜I would find the strongest man, shack up with him and get him to protect me from the other four.’<...

Bill Gates wanted to make a new friend.

He logged into his computer and found some strangers who seemed nice, so he sent them some funny pictures and told him a little about himself. For days, his posts went nowhere. He was never getting any responses, so he decided to send some videos instead, thinking people just didn't believe it was h...

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After a date at the bars, a girl invites her date home...

Once home, she decides to try to lighten the mood and send some signals.

She also remembers him mentioning that he likes jokes so she asks, "How is a warm cabin, a short gangster and a horny girl the same yet different?"

*Her date shrugs*

"One's a little homey, the other's a l...

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Redneck Favorite!!

Clean Jokes


Dearest Redneck Son...


I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to...

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