This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed “time lawyer”

He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

There's a guy looking for a date..

He's a self proclaimed genius, and doesn't even consider a girl if she can't answer his old classic questions. One girl, a ginger, walks up, and he asks, "If a tree falls in the forest, but there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?" She couldn't answer, and gave up and left. A brunett...

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