UPJOKE

Second Time Jokes

The second time around is a resurrection

while the first one, an erection.

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

Did you know that people are starting to relapse and get Coronavirus a second time?

They’re calling it “dos sickies”

Van Gogh actually planned to mutilate himself a second time.

Because he heard left ear is the best medicine.

What do you call a loyalist in the 1760s who had black sticky stuff thrown on them for a second time?

Re-tarred

All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening,

come one now, this is starting to drone on and on .

My dad told me he loved me so much, he would adopt me a second time.

1.5 rounds to 2, right?

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No" the man replied. "Landmines."

I saw a fencing gif for the second time the other day

It was a riposte.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is getting released for the second time in Iraq.

They're renaming the game to The Sims 5.

What's a great thing to do the first time, but terrible the second time?

Donating a kidney.

[Saw it here, thought it was decent.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1cof7j/what_was_great_the_first_time_but_awful_the/c9ijafd)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

Although you need a parachute to go skydiving for a second time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can you only get castrated once ?

Because you don’t have the balls to do it a second time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was on their honeymoon,

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was ...

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lecture

A man who is a member of a gentleman's club in London is asked to give a lecture. He can choose any topic he wants. The man readily agrees.
Later that day he asks his friend what he should talk about that night. His friend replies " Talk about sex, old boy. Everyone loves to hear about it".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doggos gonna doggo

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and t...

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She...

With all the recent posts it is my turn too to see if this French joke translates well to English

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After his exam the doctor said,,,,,

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second...

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.

She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trying to outcheat the quack

### A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.


Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up


Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf a...

Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"

Theresa replied, "David, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farting Baron

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

A newly wed couple is riding through the field on a donkey-cart.

After a while the donkey trips up. The man calmly gets down and looks the donkey squarely in the eyes.

"This, is the first time," he says.

Terrified the donkey keeps trotting on and tries his best to not trip again, but eventually they get to wet grass and he can't help slipping. The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Jebediah

Dear Jebediah,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

I've been trying to make a joke about 9/11

But it never seems to land
So I'm trying it a second time it might have a better impact

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 statues come to life

Once Upon a time there were two statues in a park. One had the body of a male the other of a female. They stood there for so long that god decided to give them life, so he sends down an angel. The angel gives them life and says: " You've got 2 hours before I have to turn you back to stone. In those ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bride love

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison....

A good boy

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and place...

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.

The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín d...

She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.

Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.

\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.