UPJOKE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their second date?

"Hey Bill, nice to meet you."

A Guy is on a second date with his Girlfriend, in a Yugo he bought for $500

He blows a tire and ends up taking it to the nearest tire shop, the technician asks him what the vehicle is, and he says a Yugo, technician says "sorry we dont work on bikes", he says no its a Car, technician says "oh, yeah we can order a tire for you" after doing some searching he tells the guy itl...

What do whales do on a second date?

Net flicks and krill.

My girlfriend and I didn’t have a second date

Because on the first date I didn’t open the car door for her…

I just swam to the surface.

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is nervous about his second date...

...Because of a problem he's been having. Every time he looked at her on their first date he got a raging, obvious erection. He went to his best friend for advice before the second date.

"It's a simple solution, dude. Just grab some gauze and use it to wrap your dick to your leg. That way, th...

Why did the bronze medallist not go on a second date with the gold medallist?

He was two forward.

So oxygen went on a second date with potassium

That went OK2

Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if a bird shits on your head?

Don’t go out on a second date with her

My friends asked me what is the best and worst thing about catching COVID.

The worst is easy. Girls find me less attractive. Haven't gotten a second date since catching it.

The best is that my farts no longer smell.

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates

The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun.

The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new immigrant is learning how to date in America.

He meets a nice girl and they go on a date. At the end of the date, as he’s walking her home he asks her what he can give her as a gift for their second date. She says that it would be a nice if he gave her flowers, so before the next date he stops at the local flower shop. At the end of the second...

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Joke I found in a vintage porno from the 1930's.

So this is a simple time where men are men and women are women.

Tommy is on a date with Stacy and takes a long detour 10 miles outside of town. He propositions her for sex, and if she doesn't put out she can walk home.

Stacy walks home.

A second date happens as Tommy proceeds to...

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If laughter is the true way to a woman’s heart....

Why do I never get that second date after she sees my penis?

I went on a date with this girl...

and for some reason we got to the topic of celebrity crushs
I told her that mine was Cardi B

She told me that her crush was Paul Walker, I immediately replied with 'so we have similar tastes'. She gave me a confused look so I elaborated by saying 'well both of them used to be wrapped arou...

Band Jokes!

I'm a band geek and love terrible band jokes. Here are some of my favorites!

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.

What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.

What...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.