What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

What’s a Jawa’s favorite kind of bread?

ZUCHINI!!!

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

Here’s a picture of me with REM.

That’s me in the corner.

What’s a fighting game player’s favorite snack?

Combos

In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050

What’s a Frenchman’s favorite appendage?

Defeat.

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

What’s a goat man’s favourite day of the week?

Satyrday.

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

What’s a 6.9?

Another awesome thing ruined by a period.

What’s a singer’s favorite sandwich?

So-la-mi

That’s a nice ham!

It would be a shame if I put an “s” in front of it and an “e” at the end.

What’s a parrot’s favourite haircut?

A mosquawk

What’s a weebs favorite car?

A Nissan

Who’s a sloth’s favorite rapper?

Lay-Z

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

My wife: “There’s a man at the door with a mustache”

Me: “Tell him I’ve already got one!”

What’s a New York Irish Catholic view of heaven?

A Knight’s of Columbus with an open bar.

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...

I just bought a TV & it said “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.

What’s a squirrels favorite tool

A nutcracker

What’s a wizard’s favorite class in school?

Spelling

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice “me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!”

That’s a smart dog

Two farmers are in town talking about how smart their dogs are:
1st farmer yells out: “Dog! Get me the paper”
His dog races off down the street to the local news agency, gets the daily paper drops it in his owners hand and sits down.
“Not bad” says the 2nd farmer.
“Bluey, I’m hungry” he...

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

Here’s a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.

Just give them a little space.

What’s a necromancer’s favorite workout?

A deadlift!

At my school there’s a rapper named MC Squared

The science teacher just calls him E

What’s a russian dictators favorite dessert?

Bread Putin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a scarecrows favorite type of porn?

Hard corn

What’s a French person’s favorite drug?

Oui’d

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

What’s a fly’s favourite pickup line?

Is this stool taken?

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

What’s a crips biggest fear?

A blood test.

What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading

What’s a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?

Croak-“Eh”

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

what’s a one legged persons favourite restaurant?

Ihop

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

What’s a cat’s favorite song

Don’t stop meow.

What’s a ceramist’s favourite weapon?

A claymore.

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

What’s a term for a group of calm and relaxed children?

Chilldren

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

What’s a YouTuber side job?

Uber.

What’s a bouncer’s favourite clothing?

The jumper.

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord "‌‌nothing" i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells "‌‌gnihton", w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What’s a noodle that only costs one cent?

Penne

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How about instead of law and order there’s a show called law and hors d’oeuvres

and Ice-T says “we found deviled eggs and jalapeno poppers in the victim’s anal cavity”

There’s a new band called 1023MB.

They haven’t had any gigs yet.

What’s a truckers favorite kind of house?

The ones with the long haul ways!

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

What’s a camels favourite meal?

Desert.

There’s a rumor that Trump is fleeing to Canada...

It isn’t Trudeau.

What’s a bee’s favorite haircut?

A buzzcut.

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

What’s a redditor’s worst enemy?

Context!

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

A: “Arrrrrr”

Me: You’d think so, but it’s the “C” they love.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

My mom who’s a postal worker told me this joke.

A couple arrived at the hospital in labor. The doctors the tell wife and husband about a revolutionary new device. It can give some of the labor pain to the biological father. The couple agreed and as the doctors are turning on the machine. They tell the husband, look this is the worst pain you will...

To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle

An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.

Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.

Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’.

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know that your cat’s a free thinker?

It shits outside the box

Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad...

I think it needs addressing

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

What’s a terrorist’s favorite dish?

Dynamite shrimp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mid 1800's, a Native American man leaves his people for the first time.

After a few day of wondering, he came across this small town. In this town was a saloon/brothel.

Upon entering the saloon, a lady of the night approached the traveler. "You look new to these parts honey."

"Mmm," say the traveler.

"Well, let me tell you all about our special," ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Muffins are sitting in an oven. One says “It’s a bit hot in here”

The other replies “Holy fuck a talking muffin”

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

What’s a developmental psychologists favorite pick up line?

What’s up, baby?

What’s a mathematician’s favorite fruit?

A Tangentarine

In the 1950's a group of friends decided to test a blind man to see if he could tell the denomination of bills.

They started passing one dollar bills to the blind man and he could tell that they were one dollar bills.

Then someone gave him a five, which he knew immediately was a five dollar bill.

Then they handed him a ten, and he still knew what it was.

Then they alternated the one, five...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

What’s a fungus’ favorite cookie?

SPOREOS

My friend told me he’s glad that he’s a bus driver so I said why and he said

“So I won’t have to die alone”.

What’s a pianist’s favourite thing to do?

Go Chopin

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

There’s a saying in the South

If at first you don’t secede, ask for government help after and try again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

What’s a catholic priests favorite Easter treat...

Lil’ Peeps

What’s a seal’s favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the Rocks

Janelle’s a fun name...

Starts with a J, ends with anelle.

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

Did you hear about the new Marvel hero? He’s a Mexican guy that can clone himself...

I think he’s called Juan Division.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

Here’s a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy?

A mistake



- I don’t know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

scooby-doo: it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

**ghost:** holy fuck a talking dog!

What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

It’s a trap

This year : 2020

Next year : 2020 Won

Year after that : 2020 Too

At a circus there’s a calamity and two lions escape.

They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”

What’s a pirates favorite movie?

I dunno, whatever they can download for free.

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you got a mechanical pencil and pressed into your arm to pretend it’s a needle...

Well I fucked a dead moose

When you’re told you have alzheimer’s, it’s a surprise.

Every single time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a zoo, and there’s only one animal. It’s a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

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