I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife took me to a quiet place and we sat down.

She looked into my eyes and said, "Honey, I've got to tell you this...There's a reason why I've put on weight and why I look so bloated. It begins with 'B' and ends with 'Y'..."

"Fucking hell. You're pregnant?" I asked.

She said, "No, there was a sale on at the bakery."

People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do"

Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"

I'm feeling more attracted to you lately.

Have you put on weight?

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