UPJOKE

Poor Guy Jokes

Yesterday I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy...

You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking with each other....

Both of them are discussing what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich guy tells he got his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor guy is amazed and asked him why he got two gifts for her.
The rich guy said, "Well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can go and return...

A rich guy and a poor guy were having lunch togheter

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: "Hey, wanna swap ?"

**Rich guy**: "Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?"

**Poor guy**: "This isn't ordinary slop, it's a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter....

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A rich guy and a poor guy walk into a bar...

They both sit at the bar to order a drink and get to talking with each other

The poor guy says his wife's birthday is coming up and asks the rich guy what he got his wife for her birthday.

The rich guy replies and says, "it's simple! I bought her a brand new Mercedes and a diamond ne...

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I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.

Me: How much did you make?

Him: I made $250.05.

Me: Who on earth gave yo...

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Poor Guy

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up a...

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My friend said his wife doesn't do anal with him. Poor guy, I know how he feels.

She doesn't do it with me either.

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking about what they got their wives for christmas...

the rich guy said, "I got my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring, so if she doesn't like the fur at least she'll have the ring." The poor guy said, "I got my wife a bathrobe and a dildo. If she doesn't like the robe, she can go fuck herself!"

Poor guy, hope he gets the help he needs

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Hey, do you have any books on suicide?"

Librarian replies, "yes we do but I'm not giving it to you as it won't be returned"

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A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting in a doctor's office waiting room

While they wait they start having a chat, and the rich guy brings up the presents that he bought his wife last month for Christmas. "I got her a brand new sparkling diamond ring and a new BMW" he says proudly. "Wow, two nice gifts" the poor guy responds. The rich guy explains "well, I bought her the...

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A poor guy and his rich friend meet up every christmas for dinner.

They start bantering about life and get to what they're getting their wives for christmas.
Rich guy says: "Well I got my wife two gifts; a Lamborghini and a diamond ring"

"Why two gifts?" replies the poor guy

"Because that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the Lambo to r...

Poor guy

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"Inf front of you?" He asks, shy.

The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of...

Poor guy

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not rea...

poor guy.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries...

Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it."

I just met the most poor guy on this planet

He is the most hated person in his city despite being a nice guy, his boss pays him almost no money, his best friend is a total idiot, the only girl that talks to him lives in her own bubble, and the worst:





He lives in a pineapple under the sea.....

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

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A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't...

I asked my dog how he was feeling today.

Poor guy said “Ruff”

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

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Walk

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely".

The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. B...

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

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A taxi driver goes home after a very long shift.

On his way home he sees a very drunk man that can’t even stay on his feet. “Can’t let that poor guy go home alona like this” he puts him in the passenger sit, asks him where he lives and starts driving to his house while the drunk guy sleeps. On their way there the taxi driver sees a women who’s hot...

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Three explorers lost in a jungle

Sadly they've been found by cannibals, who took them to the village prison. The next day, the village chief, tell them they have to do a challenge if they're willing to survive. First part of it is to collect 10 fruits in the wild and come back for the second part. The first explorer starts his hunt...

I think my wife’s cheating on me with my best friend.

He’s been miserable lately. Poor guy.

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2

Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower

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A young man was delivering liquor to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The man smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a swe...

I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

Did you hear about M.C. Escher?

Poor guy tripped and fell up the stairs

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

A man walks into a bar looking worse for ware

"Steve", the barman says, "you look terrible, what's up"

"Urgh, don't I know it, I've been up all night blowing chunks", he said as he sat down looking miserable

A guy by the bar overhearing says to the bartender, "oh god, poor guy, he must be really sick"

"You don't know the ha...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...

I saw a cicada last night.

The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.

Robert!

Once three poor guys had to sleep in one blanket. And they wanted to sleep with their heads inside it. But they were scared of each other farting. So they decided that if anyone wants to fart they have to say the code word “Robert is coming” so that they could take their heads outside the blanket. <...

A Belarusian joke

A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.

The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"

One of the cops...

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

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I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

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A snail saves the day

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:

“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”

The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little...

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

My Grandfather died in Auschwitz

Poor guy fell out of the guard tower

An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.

Clerk: " May I help you madam?"

Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."

Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.

Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do yo...

Stalins child looked like a dalmation

Poor guy had birthmarx all over him

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needed some space.

A blonde is drilling in the ice to fish when he hears a voice call out from above...

**There are no fish under the ice**

The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?

The answers in a louder tone.

**There are no fish under the ice**

The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - ...

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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons

where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave ...

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

With Zeus being quite the prolific fornicator, it was only natural he ended up getting an STI

Poor guy got the Thunder Clap

My grandfather was a dwarf

Poor guy always struggled to put food on the table

I told my dad me and my friend went to the store. He said, "my friend and I went to the store"

Poor guy is losing it, he definitely wasn't there.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Two friends are walking in a natural park

At some point, they see a very rare and beautiful squirrel.
“Should we take it with us?” Says one of the two.
“Yes, but hide it in your underpants in case we meet a ranger.”
So the guy puts the squirrel in his underpants and they keep walking.

Right outside the park, they meet an act...

Trump seems to be having trouble finding backup music for his rallies lately :/

Poor guy should ask Green Day. Theyd probably let him use American Idiot.

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A man tries to join the Big Dick Club...

He goes to the front desk and they ask him how big his dick is. "15 inches." He replies with a proud grin. But the guy at the desk just laughs. Everyone in the room just laughs at this poor guy. He sulks. Ashamed, he heads toward the door, but a janitor stops him. "Hey, don't feel bad. They deny a l...

Did you hear about the guy up north with coronavirus?

Guy was feeling under the weather while camping and went to his doctor. Doc says, I'm sorry but you caught Coronavirus. Guy goes home and thinks well maybe this will be my last chance to go camping and heads to the woods for the night. Poor guy then gets bit by a tick. So back to the doctor again an...

So I was walking on the streets the other day...

So I was walking on the streets the other day, and I saw this poor guy getting beaten up by 3 other guys. I decided to jump in and help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

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Freudian slip

A man was waiting in line to buy a train ticket for himself and his friend. When he was almost to the front of the line, he noticed that the person selling the tickets had a rather nice, large pair of breasts. When it was his turn to buy the tickets, he accidentally blurted out "Two pickets for Titt...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet…

Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

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[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

A judge walks out of his courtroom in Soviet Russia chuckling to himself.

Another judge stops him and says, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this funny political joke in my courtroom." the first judge says.

"Really?" says the second judge, "Tell it to me, I want to hear it."

The first judge says, "No way. I gave the poor guy 20 years hard labor for it...

Its still christmas time

I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after christmas.

For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and 5k$ to a guy who only had a knife...

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Hooker wife...

A young couple are up against it financially so they agree to have the wife hustle on the streets to raise some cash.

Friday night, the husband drives his beautiful wife to the red light district and coaches her one last time:

"OK, again- I'm going to be right here. Anything you nee...

An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

Little Jewish boy that can't understand math

Two Jewish parents are very concerned that their little boy is failing at mathematics. They exhaust every method of tutoring and schooling, until they reach their last resort.... Catholic School.

The very next day little Elisha comes home from school, runs to his room, and began studying. To ...

A man walks into a bar...

Poor guy. Must've hurt.

Melo is getting divorced from his wife...

poor guy. lost the only ring he has!

Fighting budgie (long)

This poor man walked into a pub, hoping that someone would buy him a free pint. He sat there for ages until someone finally came over and gave him a raffle ticket. The ticket was entered into a draw and he won a budgie in a massive cage. The poor man sat there and said to this guy "Now what the bloo...

A family goes to a nudist beach

The boy looks around and asks his dad: why do peoples privates go either up or down?
The dad replies: If it points upwards, they're rich, and if it points downwards, they're poor.

The father then goes to sleep, and after a while he wakes up again to find his wife gone. He asks his son wher...

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A guy drives in an Italian countryside...

A guy drives in an Italian countryside, and at the turn of a corner he's stopped by a paesano with a shotgun, who gets him out of the car, and yells:
- You musta jack-off, now!
- What? But...
- You musta take your dick out and masturbate, right now or I'll shoot you!
So the guy ...

I heard about a tourist that visited a religious site once.

He climbed all those steps and wanted to ring the bell at the end, but the poor guy had no arms, having lost them in an industrial accident year previous.

But being no stranger to overcoming adversity, the tourist insisted on ringing the bell anyway, so the guy ran toward the bell and hit it ...

Two guys at a bar make a bet...

There are two guys sitting at a bar having a beer together. So one guy goes to the other "I'll bet you $20 i can go over there slap that bald guy on the head and he won't do anything about it." so the other guy is like sure but he is going to beat you up. so the guy goes over smacks the bald guy on ...

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One guy says to the other:"Did you know that in Tokyo every hour a man is ran over with a car?"

The other guy replied: Poor guy! How can anyone live like that.

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Circumcision Joke

Two 10 year old boys are taking a piss - one looks over at the penis of the other and says, "Oh no! What's wrong with your penis?"
The little boy replies, "I've been circumcised"
His friend says, "You poor guy - when did that happen?"
"When I was born", came the reply
"Yuck, it looks awf...

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A man is having terrible headaches

A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doc...

Did you hear about the lonely battery?

Poor guy was never included.

Young Billy discovers the power of prayers

One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher"

When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication.

Se...

Wild Boar Crossing

I was driving down the highway when I spotted a sign that said "Wild Boar Crossing, $500 fine". Shortly after, wouldn't you know, a little boar ran right out into my lane. I swerved but couldn't react in time and hit the poor guy with my car. I stopped to look around and get my bearings. Lucky f...

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams:

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please.

The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MID...

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A Generous Lawyer

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

...

One day a small farmhouse catches on fire

The fire quickly becomes a towering inferno, while the family sleeps. A pig breaks out of the pig pen and rushes into the house. One by one it drags the family members out to safety. The next day a local news service comes by to cover the amazing story. The family and community heaps praise on t...

Can we have a moment of silence for Mr. Finnegan?

He was married for 50 years, the poor guy deserves at least one.

A guy’s driving down the highway one day...

...when he sees a hitchhiker ahead. There’s hardly any traffic on the highway, and he figures that the poor guy will never get a ride, so he decides to help him out. After about 5 miles, the hitchhiker pulls a gun, and tells the driver that he won’t get hurt as long as he follows orders and doesn’t ...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

Did you hear about that Reese lady?

Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...

Guy 2: Witherspoon?

Guy 1: No, with her knife.

Classic that I haven't seen for awhile

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