UPJOKE

Please Give Me Jokes

A cannibal walks into a New York restaurant. He said to the waiter, “Please give me some children to eat.” The waiter was surprised and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“The sign at the entrance says half price for children."

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Teacher: "Someone please give me a palindrome."

Student: "Ma'am?"

I was at the store and I asked the clerk to please give me 50 condoms to buy....

I heard two girls snicker behind me so I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, make that 52 condoms.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

I do!

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, *"Please give me one last request, dear?"* he said.

*"Of course, John. Anything!"* his wife said softly.

*"Six months after I die,"* John said, *"I want you to marry Bob."*

*"But I thought you hated Bob?"* she said...

With hi...

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man sees a woman on the beach with no arms or legs

As he passes her, she asks, "Sir, I feel so lonely, would you please give me a hug?"

The man hesitates but decides to give in and gives her a hug.

The next day the man is walking along the beach again and he sees the same woman laying in the same spot.

She sees him and says, "S...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man couldn't conceive so he prayed to God

He asked God:
God please give me a child, it's all in the world I would ever want and the one thing I ask of you.
If it's is a boy let him be a thief,
If it's a girl let her be a cunt,

Just please Dear Lord grant me a child I may raise and love.

And so God granted him his wish...

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

Wife Asks Husband for a Compliment

Wife: I look so fat in all my clothes. Could you please give me a compliment to help me feel better????????
Husband: You have perfect eyesight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

The boy with just a head.

A young couple manage to finally have a child after years of trying. The only problem is that this child was born with only his head.

The child lived his life looking out the window at the other kids and by the age of 4 he really wanted to join them. He went to his father and asked, "Father c...

A chemistry teacher gives his class a question

Teacher “there are two liquids water and butane can someone please give me a quantity for them”
Student at the front “a ton”
Teacher “ok then what is the heavier the ton of water or the ton of butane”
The teacher asked each student the same question and each of them answered that they wer...

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